Are you ever filled with so much emotion and you don't quite understand why?
You think of everything that makes you happy and all you want to do is run in the middle of the street in the pouring rain and cry because everything just feels so perfect?
I felt that just earlier today and I couldn't tell you why or how I felt that way- I just did.
Call it cliche, but as I was watching Glee tonight, my heart melted. I can't sing, I haven't danced for years, and Broadway has never been a dream of mine. But sitting on my couch watching them perform on an empty stage with absolutely no one watching and only their dreams to carry them through the song, I thought back through all of high school.
No matter what point in my life I was stuck in, theatre always found a way to pull me out of it. Acting is my passion and a life lived without a performance wouldn't be one worth living. I just sat there and thought back to my hours of rehearsal and the stress I went through to put on just three nights of performances.
You see, I have this moment. This moment right before I go on stage where I doubt everything that I have worked towards. I scratch my head and my nose in an OCD series only my dad could point out and I read over my lines in my head at least five times. After this, I walk alone to the side of the stage and look out. That view of the blinding lights blurring everything in my line of vision leaves me there with a smile. I feel alone without one ounce of loneliness, like all I need is myself to conquer the world, to conquer the stage.
It is at that moment where my heart breaks and a smile peeks through.
It is at that moment where I remember what makes me happy.
Being alone on an empty stage.
Pulling out my tap shoes and improvising until my feet bleed.
Walking in the snow with my favorite forest green hat on.
Envisioning myself in New York City living a typical 90's rom-com sitting in a loft ordering chinese take-out for me and my eclectic roommate thinking about the boy I met in the laundromat an hour earlier.
Sitting on a bench watching the autumn leaves fall to my feet, strategizing just how I am going to step on all the crunchy ones.
Checking out an old library book.
Talking outside in the summer nights with nothing but a tanktop and shorts on.
These make me feel like everything is okay.
These make me feel like anything is possible and the whole entire day is mine to just live every movie I have ever seen and dreamt of starring in. To live by every soundtrack I have listened to in hopes of living a life characterized by those perfectly selected indie tunes.
When it comes down to it, simplicity makes me happy.
As of right now, my life is a chaotic whirlwind with only a few moments of a calm breeze to balance out my week.
I want my life to be simple again. I want to live in the breeze.
So, what will you do? Peer out from behind the curtains and smile, or will you continue your pattern of memorizing each and every line to make sure you never miss a cue.
