There are a significant amount of things in my life that I don't have full control over and they all became apparent to me today.
Power walking is a regular pace I take while passing through Bloomingdales simply because I can't afford a large portion of the store, so why peruse when it only teases me? Speeding towards the escalator to find the jeans section to finally spend my graduation money, I was taken back by how suddenly my body jolted into a halt in front of the David Yurman counter as my eyes landed on the beautifully crafted rings on display. I was asked if I wanted to try one on and without protest, I let out a faint yes. As I slipped the ring onto my finger it occurred to me in that moment that I wanted to be able to browse through Bloomingdales. No longer do I wish to walk into the store with a pre-planned agenda or a B-line past the glass boxes that encase the artwork most would call over priced jewelry. But the current state in which I am living in as a full time student with two less-than-part-time jobs, those luxuries are ones that I cannot attain at the moment. I know that I do not have control over my current "spending" financial state, partially due to my lack of ability to properly save, and that sacrifices must be made in order to get to a place in life where nice things are purchasable and living debt-free, stress-free, and below my means is only a chapter in my life that has been read and left behind to continue reading the rest of the novel.
Yet, in those dog-eared pages with creases, coffee stains and highlighted words, I find more uncontrollable short stories. I find not only trips to Bloomingdales, but paragraph after paragraph of car issues detailing broken headlights, rust colored radiator stains outlining the parking space of 24 hour fitness and accounts of being stranded in one city too many.
Then I come to the water-stained pages worn thin and familiar, almost in memory because they have been visited so frequently. Those pages are filled with heart break and regret, loss and heart ache, trickled ever so sparsely with smiles and embraces, long talks and perfect moments of silence.I know that just in the way I do not have full control over being able to purchase a $900 ring, I do not have control over the present-day decisions made by past crushes, lovers, likers, you name it. We have all been there. We are writing our story with someone and then one day, something changes. Some people fall out of love while others are forced out of it. People move on, move away, move past the past and onto the future and while only some will admit to it, we all can agree that erasing that person from your next chapter is easier than erasing them from your rough drafts. No matter how big of an absence that character makes, your mind will always add in a few extra "what if" sentences.
What if that conversation never happened.
What if that fight never occurred.
What if we pushed through rather than pulled away.
What if, what if, what if.
And they consume you, making you realize that you have no control over who they want to date or pursue because they are the authors of the next chapter in their book, not you.
Although I may not have control over my financial state; being able to splurge on lavish items or purchase a reliable car, or even have control over the relationships around me, I always have control over how I can change the world. Whether people say I do or do not. Today I realized that there were many things out of my control that I would just have to settle for. With that though, I remember that I never have to settle with the current state of our world. I never have to look across the room and see a room full of people who are going to remain stagnant. I have not only the ability but the calling to change the world and if I can't control almost everything else in my life, you can bet that I will have control over this.
We as a community of people are constantly faced with challenges and opposition and although they take the face of barriers, they are here to act as pieces of a better story. See, without conflict, we would all be writing cut and paste picture books instead of the timeless masterpieces we are intended to craft. Conflict surrounds us daily. In our homes, schools, workplaces. Citywide, nationwide, and globally. I see the conflict arise around me and see that something must be written in order to stop the enemy from winning.
So, I challenge you today. Push aside the uncontrollable short stories and turn the page to start reading about the conflict you have the ability to beat.
As an 18 year old girl with untamed curls, a broken down car, and a bank account that hold nothing close to a David Yurman purchase, I am confident in the fact that I am in control. I will change the world one chapter at a time and will not stop until darkness can no longer be found. I will be the light to shine in the fluorescent-lit Walmarts filling suburbia where any other light is suppressed. I will be the light to shine along side the sun beating down across playgrounds, quads, hallways and classrooms. I will be the light to shine where darkness is the only thing people know. Where will you be a light? Where will you change the world?
Don't ever tell yourself you cannot make a change, because amidst uncontrollable situations, we always have the potential to control our impact on the world.
