...for the Loved

Sunday marked the second week of the Naked Truth series given by Mariners Church.

As Pastor Mike Erre spoke truth into the lives of 200 or so 20-somethings, I started to believe what he was preaching.

I am loved.

I am adored.

I am worth so much more than society tells me I am.

Investing in the lives of junior high girls and being consumed by the jaded misconceptions social media brings about, I have fallen victim to witnessing and taking part in self-loathing.

I have told myself that I am not worth the wait; that I must compromise my morals in order for a boy to express some cold and disconnected form of affection towards me that seeps of guilt and lacks the warmth of true love.

I sat in that room and was overcome not by guilt or regret for past endeavors, but was filled with hope. As a circle of young men surrounded the women in the room to pray over us, I can truly say I felt deeply and madly loved.

Not by the tens of men I had no connection with, but by the image they represented.

This powerful action represented God's unwavering and strong love for not only me, but for every single girl battling society's misconstrued messages:

You need to lose weight.

You need to gain weight.

You need to show more skin.

You need to apply more makeup.

You are never going to be enough.

And we fight these critiques and succumb to some higher power; this worldly power that tells us we are never good enough.

And we deny the messages of the church and of the true higher power that builds us up, not tears us down.

I sat there and as I was being prayed over, I was brought to the thought of my junior high girls. They go to school each day and are preparing themselves for battle. They are told they are ugly. They are told to wear more makeup. They are told to dress a certain way and say certain words in order to be loved by some boy who will give them the short-term attention they are vying for.

I thought of the string of preteens posting videos on Youtube asking unknown users, "am I pretty?"

I thought of the self-loathing and self-destruction I have put myself through and have watched others do the same and said to myself that this has to stop.

So I sit here today and think about the future. I think about the hopes I have and the love I deserve.

I deserve to be told I am pretty without having to ask.

I deserve to be pursued rather than be the girl seeking out attention.

I deserve to find a man who is so madly in love with me that he sees me for who I am, not for who I am not.

I deserve what every other girl deserves; to be loved.

To be truly and joyfully loved.

Because girls, we are wonderfully and fearfully made.

There needs to be a community that fights and opposes the world's harsh views. The question is, who's with me?

...for the Carefree

Ray Bans on with my hair blowing in the wind, my Sperry top siders rested on the dashboard as I glanced past my denim vest and long white skirt reflected in the window. We were headed to San Diego and with the perfect Blink182 playlist, I felt free. Friday afternoon marked the start to what would have been the introduction to my own low budget Sundance film. A movie about college students and an unforgettable weekend, centered around a girl who traveled down the coast in search for something new; new friends, new adventures, and the excitement of finding new music.

We arrived in San Diego and made our way to Soma, the venue painted in black; its only accessory a winding line of teenagers huddled together, wildly anticipating the bands they came to see. Once we made it through the line and past the bouncers, the three of us exchanged smiles and all at once stepped inside the room that held the main stage. Hundreds of bodies filled the venue and we joined the crowds of unfamiliar faces, most covered in brightly colored face paint in support of the opening act. Walk the Moon started the night off with their hit Anna Sun, the lyrics expressing the emotions we all felt but couldn't pinpoint on our own...

"My feet are still sore; my back is on the fringes

We were up against the wall on the west mezzanine
We rattle this town, we rattle this scene"

All at once we were jumping to the beat, grabbing onto whatever hand was closest to share in the beats with. The Ohio natives finished their set and we took a minute to reflect on what we were experiencing. Because yes, this was a concert but this was also so much more. Every person in the room shared the same purpose, the same love for the night. We all came here to share in one experience together, all to feel like something bigger than just concert goers.

The music drew us in but the people kept us there.

Young the Giant killed it and we found Irvine locals to admire their success with, all of us secretly proud we share mutual friends with the up and coming band. The songs played loud and our voices strained to match and as the night went on, insecurities left the room as well. Those who came alone no longer stood alone and those who stood stiff found themselves dancing in sync with the people around them. I tossed my head back and forth and let my arms move as they pleased as my feet danced in the circle of space that I had. It was time for the last song and you could feel the energy rise as we awaited those final moments together. People started crowd surfing and all in one instance a large gap opened up. We rushed the stage and as the chorus blasted, we jumped. All inhibitions we may have been clinging onto were stomped away and lifted high from the crowd as our arms reached toward the ceiling.

This was it. This was the moment all of us were craving.

We came to be apart of a movement, to be apart of a journey the bands would take us on and lead us through so we could escape our lives for just a moment. In that instance, all we had was each other. All we had was our hearts that perfectly aligned if only for a song or two. Driving back home sound bites took up the space in my head as I was sucked back into the vibrations of wall to wall music. My feet were aching and I could feel the stiffness in my legs as they familiarized themselves with what it felt like to sit down. My neck ached in a few key spots but the smile still clung to my face, so reluctant to leave the night behind.

I found what I was in desperate search of this weekend.

I wasn't just a concert goer for a two nights in a row.

I was a lovesick fan who shared a smile onstage with the lead singer of Twin Atlantic.

I was a college student who took a weekend road trip to support a local band.

I was a girl who found the adventure she was looking for and I found it in the music.

I was part of something bigger than just a concert, I was part of a journey only we in those rooms could experience together.

I was carefree.