...for the Outsider

The senior class of Woodbridge High School has unofficially officially dubbed the preschool parking lot as our senior lot.

With a lot full of cars comes loud music, hacky sack sessions, and the infamous "circles".

These circles consist of a group of about 3-7 people all standing next to a car, either exchanging clothes or answers to homework, or even just catching up about how their morning was. Often times you will get those of us who make much needed starbucks runs in the short 10 minutes we have until 3rd, and in that case, the cars are quickly filled and the lot becomes deserted.

I don't go on Starbucks runs or join in on hacky sesh circles. Rarely do I exchange clothes or play my music. Often times I find myself hesitant to even walk out there, always unsure of where I can stand. It saddens me that in my senior year, I still have those days of loneliness and isolation. I still have those days of hesitation and not quite knowing where I belong. I find myself internally competing for a spot in the circle when in complete reality, there may always be an opening.

When did Community turn into Competition?

I'm not just referring to a 10 minute break period in a parking lot full of people, I'm referring to almost every aspect of life. Whether it be on a church trip or a class project, even meeting people at camp or bonding with old friends, the community of people can so quickly turn into a competition.

I am caught up in a swarm of bees and can't seem to find my way out.

The separation from "friends", the rumors and the lies, not knowing where you belong, it surrounds me throughout my entire day. Whether I am directly affected by it or someone else is, it has become so hard to witness. I miss the days when competition meant soccer games and community meant the orange slices and kool-aid juices you shared afterwards. I miss the light-hearted conversations that revolved around the cute boy you sent a valentine to rather than the guy you hooked up with last weekend.

I guess it comes with age. The lack of connection as you go closer and closer towards constantly having to be the best and standing out.

I guess it is just human nature. Understandable at that, yet so sad at the same time to see that deterioration.

I guess I just wish we could live in a kid mindset with the same 18 year old bodies we have now. Unfortunately, I can't change time.

So since I can't go back to a simpler time, I might as well improve the current one I am in right now.

I am caught up in this swarm of bees and can't seem to find my way past the hives and hierarchy.

I want to push through that swarm and knock down that branch that holds together the insecurities and hesitations that prevent me from joining in.

What will you do? Go through life competing for a spot in the circle, or will you join in with the rest of the community eating orange slices after the soccer game.

...for the Impatient

Patience is a virtue.

The two most powerful warriors are patience and time.

Slow and steady wins the race.

Patience and fortitude conquer all things.

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing...

The list literally NEVER ENDS.

I understand how important patience is, but sometimes it feels like I will never reach that end point. Like waiting in line for your favorite band to play or for your mom's fresh baked cookies to come out of the oven, the time in between the wait and the end result seems endless. I am not naturally an impatient person, but when I want something to be done, I'd rather the process be hurried rather than tedious.

The problem is, I find myself impatient in times where patience is most needed.

Impatience during a red light: normal

Impatience when I have to use the restroom: normal

Impatience at church when I don't understand the service: normal, but frowned upon

I am someone who loves to know how things work. For example, I was reading about a documentary on a nuclear waste bunker and how waste is decomposed, and I was interested because that had legitimately been on my mind plenty of times before and now that I knew how it worked, I could cross that off my list.

Now that I've let you know how odd I am, I think I can move on...

My point is, knowledge is key to me. I hate being out of the loop and being the last one to grasp the reasoning behind a topic or not being able to affect how quickly something happens, and lately, that is all I have felt.

I want to be able to give up that desire to control every aspect in my life and just sit back and wait.

Wait.

What an under-used word in my opinion. I am surrounded by people who just go go go, including myself, and I forget to walk in the rain and have a conversation or just enjoy the company of someone away from a meeting or a scheduled gym session.

Patience is truly the biggest virtue I know of, and I take that for granted. I think since I find it so large, it overwhelms me and I don't quite know how to handle it.

I want to turn my rushing into waiting.

Patience during a class period: do-able

Patience through a lack of control: do-able

Patience in waiting for an unforeseen future: do-able, and in the process of working through.

As I work through waiting out of line patiently for the outcome unknown to me, I ask you this:

What will you do? Give up control and walk in the rain, or wait impatiently in a never-ending line for an end result that may not be worth the hurried rush?

for Jenna Walmsley

...for the Forgetful

This Friday will have marked 6 months since I have left for Nairobi, Kenya. We were 8 students and 4 leaders unknown to the changes that would surround us when we arrived back in the States and the new life we were called to lead. We came home expecting to live life as our Kenyan friends did, embracing and inviting God into every aspect of our lives and celebrating Him in everything we did. Well, that turned out to be harder that expected.

Right when I arrived home, challenges were thrown at me at every angle. I had grown so much while in Africa that I had become so vulnerable to change and it took advantage of me and my newfound mindset. It saddened me how quickly I felt I lost everything I received while in Kenya and instead of embracing the changes, I let them pass by me, slowly returning to life before my missions trip.

Well, hardly 6 months later and I find myself grasping for the conversations I had while in Kenya. Craving the feelings I experienced and the unending love and support poured out daily. I came home expecting to be a different person, and I did. The problem is, I didn't act upon that change. The new person I became was lost in the shuffle of football games and poli-sci debates.

Well, hardly 6 months later and I find myself reminiscing whenever I see an inkling of Kenya.

From the shirt I wore the day we arrived, to the new kid at school who looks like Alan.

From the songs played on the long flights, to the photo memories on my sidebar on facebook.

Well, hardly 6 months later, I find myself forgetful of those 12 days spent living with God.

I felt defeated coming home, convincing myself that I would never feel that growth again.

Well, hardly 6 months later, no matter what I do, Kenya is always with me. That is all there is to it.

Why do I keep stressing over this experience I have lost when in reality, it stays with me wherever I go?

The beauty in an experience is the memories you take with it. I was trying so hard to recreate a once-in-a-lifetime trip that I let myself get lost in the shuffle. I didn't realize that the moment I stepped onto Africa's soil, I became the new me. I didn't realize that when I came home my lifestyle didn't have to change drastically with the push of a button, but that it changed through my actions. I came home with such high expectations that I let the lack of that self-made image control and repress the growth I had just recently made.

Friday marks 6 months since I arrived in Nairobi, Kenya.

Friday also marks the day that I decided I would no longer be lost in the shuffle.

For those of you who have led a life believing that experience is only that moment in time, I invite you to throw that preconceived notion away. I invite you to live through those memories in your actions and thoughts and to realize that there is always more to an experience than what you see.

What will you do? Join me in breaking free from the shuffle or remain closed off, hidden from the growth that lies ahead.

...for the Puppeteer

We have teachers in school, bosses at work, parents in our household, and mentors in our lives all directing us to do what is best.

Often times we forget that we too act as the directors in our own lives. Instead of relying on the make-shift puppeteers that have been placed in our lives, we allow ourselves to take on the challenges ourselves and through that we forget that above ourselves, above our temporary leaders, we have someone much greater than any of us can imagine. Someone who was placed in our lives to lead the way for us and direct us towards what is truly best.

I have let myself be the puppeteer in my own life to manipulate the brokenness that surrounds me.

I am a do-er and being a do-er, I forget that I am not the one in control, but rather God is. I forget that I am simply the sheep and he is the shepherd guiding the way for me.

Rather than letting myself be led, I force myself to lead and I become a puppeteer that manipulates the path that I should be taking, into a path that I feel is right. I find myself putting on a show for everyone to see, creating an illusion of perfection rather than facing the reality of brokenness. Although I know perfection is unattainable, I still refuse to accept reality at times. I refuse to accept help and I end up becoming more and more tangled in the strings that control me. I become confined in the motions and lose myself to my desires. The only words uttered are those that I allow myself to speak, and the only motions made are the up and down arm motions to wave hello and goodbye.

I want to be able to cut those strings off and let myself stand on stage, in front of an audience of people, and be the person I was intended to be. But instead, I hide behind the strings and dance, trying so hard to make everyone believe that what they are seeing is real.

I am tired of trying to control what God wants for me.

I am tired of trying to push aside reality and face my problems head on.

I am tired of going through this alone.

1 Peter 2:25
For “you were like sheep going astray,” but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.

I want to be the sheep who returns to their shepherd.

I want to give up control and work through the realization that my destiny is not solely in my hands.

I want to go through this journey with guidance.

What will you do?

Stay tangled up in the strings of your own manipulation, or join me in following my shepherd on a path that has no strings attached.

...for the Wishful Thinker

My wishes don't consist

of being a little bit taller

of being a baller

of having a girl who looked good (i would call her)

nor do they consist of having

a rabbit in a hat with a bat and a '64 Impala.

Unfortunately, they consist of things that are a little more complex than that.

My wishes consist

of applying out of state to colleges

of living debt free

of moving to a boat town off of the east coast and owning a small book store

but ultimately of being able to go through my day without writing down a single reminder to myself. without using 16 post-it notes to remind me of what i have to do that day or without writing something down in one of my two daily planners.

I wish I could live my life with the sole intention of Wishing, not Accomplishing.

I don't think I could recall when my wishes turned into to-dos. Most likely when I decided that letting myself lose those wishes was okay. I find it sad that in today's society, we have come to the social norm of accomplishments and aspirations rather than dreams and wishes. To me, those are two very different categories.

Accomplishments and Aspirations are what school and family has told you are "smart moves" on your part. That through those, you will be who you want to be. I'm sorry, but the only person you will become through those are who they want you to be. We have become so used to success and the next step rather than living in the now and reminiscing on the past that we find this acceptable. We find the make-believe desires of our outer-being are replacing the inner thoughts that we refuse to let go of.

Dreams and Wishes are your uttermost wants and desires. What you daydream about in your tree house when it is pouring outside or what you imagine when you walk down by the stream making crowns out of daisies with your fairy court behind you. Without these dreams and wishes, you lose yourself entirely in the hustle and bustle of tomorrow. We so easily forget that these are what make us who we are. Despite the efforts of society to conform us into law-abiding citizens who become lawyers and 9-5'ers, we cling onto these hopes when we have nothing else to turn to.

I don't want our dreams and wishes to be "the back-up plan". I don't want us to have to fall back on these when we have nothing else.

It saddens me that I have let myself do that. I have let myself fall back on my passion in life and have relied on my goal to get me through these last months of high school.

So where will you be in 20 years? I know where I want to be.

Will you join me in the pursuit of Wishing and the deterioration of To-Do lists and Accomplishments? I want to be able to look back on life and see that I lived my life doing what made me happy, not doing what I thought I was good at or what I thought was going to get me far in life.

What will you do? Skip along the stream in your daisy crown, or continue sticking post-it notes along the blank pages of your planner?

...for the Rescuer

Sometimes I wish I could rescue the world.

I wish I had enough power to determine what could and could not happen.

I wish I could stop rain from causing car accidents and adultery from causing broken homes.

But since I have none of the power or the abilities to stop any of this from happening, I only wish one thing.

I wish I could rescue those I love. I wish I had all the answers.

It is so hard for me to sit back and listen to every hardship going on in people's lives and not be able to form the right words. That is truly something I fear and I desperately try to reword and rephrase and preplan and prescript until I know the right answer. I get so lost in the right answer that I forget that there doesn't always need to be a right answer.

I have a hard time listening and not intervening. When I hear pain and when I hear a sense of being lost in the words of those I'm listening to, I want to be able to say

"It's alright, everything will be just fine. Just breathe."

And be able to rattle off this to-do list of how to make it better.

Unfortunately, there is more to fixing problems than breathing. I can't prevent that rain from making you slip but I just wish I could stand there with an umbrella, ready to rescue you from the cold.

I was recently told that to be a good friend and a strong support system, I have to let others figure out their problems on their own. Not finish sentences for them or reword their thoughts so it is easier to comprehend to the general group of people, but to just sit. To just sit and listen and identify internally with their feelings and emotions.

That is all I am allowed to do and I want to be able to have the ability to do just that.

I may have the abilities to lead and to teach, but I so easily let those consume my actions and decisions. I never allow myself to sit and think and not have the answer, because for some odd reason I feel that without an answer, without a response, the time spent talking to me was a waste.

I want to be able to rescue those I love and have every right answer.

But, I don't.

And I shouldn't be able to have that power.

I just want to be able to have the power to sit and listen, to be vulnerable and supportive.

What will you do?

Constantly be carrying the umbrella in hopes of preventing a storm, or will you set that aside and dance in the rain, accepting that the right answers may come without any words at all.