...for the Defeated

My youth pastor recently said to me that the day after doing something huge for God, it's normal to feel overwhelmed and short-tempered. This past Saturday I lived those emotions which I took as completely normal. What I fear isn't normal though, is the realization that these emotions have yet to pass.

Ever since last Friday night, it feels as though my life has taken a turn into a rapid downward spiral.

This last week posed many challenges I was hoping to avoid.

Challenges involving my future.

Challenges involving my conscious.

Challenges that have left me feeling defeated and empty.

Rather than walking through a week of acceptance with a bright light to guide me, I found myself constricted in a blanket stitched with rejection and false hopes.

rejection and false hopes.

Emotions I am in all honesty not too familiar with in most aspects of my life.

When it comes to boys, rejection is almost always prominent, almost as prominent as the false hope of getting an A on my math quiz.

College acceptance letters on the other hand, have up until a few days ago, always left me with a little less weight on my shoulders and another gold star to add to the collection.

It all feels like a thunderstorm, instantaneous and ruthless, although I am sure this has been quite a climactic build for a few months now, creeping up every night, camouflaging itself as dew on blades of grass and damp parking lots in the mornings.

It all feels like a thunderstorm, because I have finally let the umbrella go.

These past five months have been filled with to-do lists, meetings, weekly drives to print shops and high schools, and the never-ending beckon of "urgent" e-mails. With all of this to get done, I was able to shield myself from the rain, keeping an umbrella at a safe distance for those moments of hesitation.

I reached for my umbrella a few days ago and found a rejection letter instead.

My umbrella was supposed to shield me from that disappointment and protect me from the truth. Shoved away in the back of my closet, it only left me stranded, choosing to desert me when all I needed was a false hope.

I feel as though we are set up to fail at a very early age.

Your dance recital always goes well, as long as there is enough licorice and hairspray backstage.

You ace almost every vocabulary test since over half the words are on laminated posters on the wall.

And no matter what, your parents always tell you that you will go far in life, the world is our oyster, and we can be whoever we want to be.

To me, this presents a false hope to act as a padding through the bumpy walks of life.

I wasn't supposed to be rejected, my mom told me I was going to go far.

I wasn't supposed to be rejected, my uncle went to that school.

I wasn't supposed to be rejected, ASB Presidents are supposed to be safe.

I wasn't supposed to be rejected, but there is no way to deny that I was.

I know I can't go through life expecting to avoid rejection, it is just really hard to handle at times.

My umbrella wont always be there to protect me from the rain, but if I let go and set it aside, I may come to realize that the drizzle up above isn't as bad as I made myself believe.

So what will you do?

Keep your umbrella at your side in fear of a light sprinkle, or will you let go and allow yourself to dance in the rain?