Cream and Sugar

“Anything in your coffee?”

“One of each, please.”

I stare undecidedly at my hands -a packet of Splenda in the left and a cup of creamer in the right- carefully weighing my numberless options as I let my coffee cool on top of the fold-down airplane table.

Questions race through my head as I try to determine the appropriate sugar-to-coffee-to-creamer ratio to avoid multiple taste tests.

Do I use the entire packet of sugar? 

Will the creamer be enough for this size cup of coffee?

Do I even want any sugar?

Are there other creamer flavors…?

I get overwhelmed and pour in the entire thimble-sized creamer and guesstimate half the packet of sugar. 

Done. 

It’s mediocre at best, and quite bland to be honest. But I question if this is my failure to concoct the perfect cup, or the airline’s supply of sub-par coffee. 

After nearly six months following this instance, filled with mornings of experimenting and many sips of coffee later, I’ve found two things.

One, I like my coffee more on the bitter side, often relying on espresso and steamed milk for a simple latte (If I feel daring, I switch to soy to add some sweetness to my sip).

Secondly, at the age of 22, I realize I won’t fully feel like an adult until I know how to make my own cup of coffee without fault. 

It’s like grocery shopping - one of the hardest tasks to do perfectly. 

At 19, I was in my first year at Chapman and living out of the house and with a roommate for the first time. The frozen food my family stocked for the two of us was running low, so it was time to go grocery shopping to refuel. I remembered how my mom would come home with brown bags full of fruit and vegetables, packets of brown rice and ready-to-make meals; raw chicken and salmon, cartons of almond milk and the occasional bag of chips or popcorn. Grocery shopping was going to be a breeze.

Wrong.

I stepped inside Ralph’s and was immediately swamped with anxiety, stuck in the flower section next to seasonal goods wondering where the heck to start my journey. I’m a right-handed gal, so I followed my instinct and turned right, starting with produce and working my way counter-clockwise towards the deli section.

An HOUR later, I had strawberries and apples, hummus and carrot sticks, string cheese and Jennie-O turkey meat; popcorn, a small jar of almond butter, and those cheap sleeves of chocolate and vanilla cookies. In my eyes, my basket was filled to the brim and well beyond my $30 a week limit for groceries. 

I got home, unloaded the goods and proudly surveyed my treasure only to be grief-stricken almost immediately after. I looked at the lot and realized I had enough to last me through the first half of the week and to satisfy my midnight snack cravings.

I didn’t know how to meal prep yet or how to plot out the number of times I realistically needed to eat during the week. Granted, I became very creative with what I had, mixing frozen remnants, baking supplies and fresh food to concoct a (somewhat) edible meal. (frozen corn and shrimp street tacos with hot sauce were at one point my go-to meal). 

Alas, I had failed one of my first real adult tasks. And felt super lame (and broke).

In my last semester of college, I can say I still grocery shop when I’m hungry and still sip at my coffee until I’m satisfied with my results. And you know what, I’ll probably be doing that well into my twenties……and thirties.

Why?

Because becoming an adult doesn’t happen over night, or follow the “third time’s the charm” saying. And as I reach graduation, I have to be ok with failure. Because that’s the only way I’m going to progress. 

Who wants to be perfect, anyway?

Yes, it would make my mornings easier and grocery shopping more efficient but then I lose the fun and experiments and mess ups. 

I think I tell myself I have to be perfect or do certain things in order to feel like a successful adult. When in reality, that mindset only sets me farther back and takes me away from recognizing all that I’ve accomplished.

I know how to:

1. File taxes by myself
2. Take someone to small claims court
3. Meal prep for an entire week
4. Organize my planner down to the minute
5. Order a cup of coffee I’m happy with
6. Call my friends on the phone and hear about their days (because only adults talk on the phone now)

I take the bad with the good and the successes with the messes and I’ll be doing that for the rest of my life. Might as well come to terms with it now, right?