...for the Childish

In 2nd grade I had the biggest 8-year-old crush on the cutest kid at Smokey Row Elementary; Nick Oliver.

It just recently struck me how I used to handle this crush I had on him. Trying to repress this memory obviously, I came to remember a very vivid picture in my head of me picking up the phone directory, flipping to the Oliver Family page, and dialing his home phone number only to hang up whenever his mom answered. What compelled me to do this I couldn't even tell you, but what I can tell you is how it doesn't cease to amaze me how oddly I functioned. How back then, as a skinny 8-year-old girl, I couldn't muster up the courage to talk to the boy in my class, and how now I find myself functioning that same exact way.

Old habits die hard I guess.

Waiting until Valentine's Day to slip a specially made valentine in his doily-covered box or playing kick ball with him and the guys were my subtle ways of hoping he would come to class one day and kiss me as we were taking off our snow boots by our cubbies.

As much as I want to say how much I have changed and how confident I have become, I find myself doing the same exact thing with the same exact mindset. No matter what happened or how my confidence was boosted that day, I still walk away thinking,

If only this happened...

Well, I'm tired of living in the "if only" fantasies and want to surround myself in the "i can't believe" realities.

Why is it, that at nearly 18 years old, I still find myself walking away from a situation muttering "if only I did this..."?

If only I smiled at him then maybe we would be talking.

Somehow I convince myself that everything is awkward the next day even when nothing even remotely happened. I still get jittery when I see a boy I like and it takes so much for me to get myself to utter a hello when they walk by. Instead of saying "if only", I wish I said "i can't believe we just had a laughing contest in the library" because I decided to take a risk rather than let the opportunity pass me by.

I tend to live life in a fantasy world, relying on my imagination to compensate for my lack of spontaneity in certain situations and I am bothered by that.

I understand being socially awkward at age 8, but to be walking into my senior year of high school with not even the slightest idea of how to talk to the boy I sit in front of and have a major crush on, well, that's when I have to stop and wonder.

When in life did I decide that this was ok?

When in life did I decide that other people's opinions could determine my actions throughout the day?

I want to be able to walk away from each scenario I place myself in and say "WOW, I can't believe that just happened", eager to start the next day with that same attitude.

So what will you do?

Live your life in the "if only" mindset, or take a risk each day, living life without the fear of regretting a decision you decided not to make, just because you convinced yourself that the risk simply wasn't worth it.

...for the Stumped

Earlier today I opened a text message that read I was too defensive.

My initial response was "NO I'M NOT. That's ridiculous." But, wouldn't that just prove the original point being made?

I can't deny the fact that I take life too seriously at times, but there are instances where being defensive is probably the best thing to do. FOR EXAMPLE.

I was enjoying a nice appetizer at BJ's fine restaurant with my best friend and our two guys friends. As I took a bite out of a delicious(yet regretfully filling) chicken tender, my compassionate friend Justin proceeded to comment on my weight, jokingly of course. The waiter came and asked us if we wanted anything else. I, fuming at this point, told her we could use a muzzle for the boy sitting across from me.

That. Is a good reason to be defensive.

Yet other situations such as a foul ball in a baseball game or a yo mama joke are purely ridiculous reasons to fight back.

Here is the burning question though...

How do you defend yourself when someone calls you defensive?

I was daydreaming while washing my hair in the shower earlier tonight(like I do on most occasions) and was contemplating my response to this statement.

I obviously can't rebuttal in the most obvious of ways, or else their point is proven. Yet, if I sit back and fail to respond, then I have let them perceive me in a way that is far away from my actual personality.

So you can see where I am trapped.

In any situation, you are forced to pick option A or option B. Few times do you have option A pt.1...unfortunately life doesn't always work in the in-between areas.

This goes for college applications and get-to-know you conversations as well. You write "my parents are divorced" or "my grades suck" but they don't see the in-between answers that make up the story line. No one sees the "i am a stronger person because of this brokenness" or "i am involved in 17 extra-curriculars".

Just in the way you can't give in-between answers in all aspects of life, you can't possibly give an in-between answer in defending your defensiveness.

What will you choose to do?

Be labeled as option A or option B, or work to change society's belief that in-between answers cannot always be used.

...for the Unstable

I need stability in my life.

I've been uprooted in the life I've been living and am left holding nothing but weeds and a fear of never being able to grow again.The fact is,

I'm lost and all I want is to be rooted in something bigger than the life I'm living.

I'm bitter and confused and have lost any control I thought I may have had. It seems as though people always leave and it's a vicious cycle I've been stuck in the middle of since before I had the ability to know what that felt like.

I want to have a relationship with someone, anyone, past a few months.

People leave and start a new journey on a different path they've been called to take, and I get that.

I just don't get why change has to mean the loss of relationships.

Whether we want to believe it or not, the fact of the matter is that through any change, there is going to be a shift in a relationship. Your small group leader may be moved to a different part of the church, your friends may find things out about you that you had wanted to keep a secret, or you intentionally put yourself in a situation that belittles you in the worst way. No matter what the change is, you're affecting some sort of connection you have had with someone.

Not only are you affecting someone else, but you're affecting the relationship you have within yourself. Through this confusion and doubt I judge myself more than any other person might. I feel hypocritical, I feel weak, I feel unwanted. I feel like the late start I've had in so many areas of my life is always going to hinder me from fully being caught up with the rest of my social circle.

In hard situations, just like in my relationships, I find that my thoughts are chopped and scattered. In the midst of a lacking stability in my own life, I lack the ability to be rooted in my own thoughts and tend to give generic responses.

"I am SO glad to hear that. I'm so happy for you."

"Great, let's talk later."

I don't want to be that person.

Right now though, I am.

I'm lost and scared and have lost control of stability.

Unfortunately I have no words of optimism for this situation I'm in.

Unfortunately I can't see what lies ahead of me for this road I'm on.

Unfortunately I've been uprooted.

Unfortunately, this vicious circle never ends.

Fortunately, the circle goes around and leaves me time to replant and reroot the damage that's been done.