...for the Childish

In 2nd grade I had the biggest 8-year-old crush on the cutest kid at Smokey Row Elementary; Nick Oliver.

It just recently struck me how I used to handle this crush I had on him. Trying to repress this memory obviously, I came to remember a very vivid picture in my head of me picking up the phone directory, flipping to the Oliver Family page, and dialing his home phone number only to hang up whenever his mom answered. What compelled me to do this I couldn't even tell you, but what I can tell you is how it doesn't cease to amaze me how oddly I functioned. How back then, as a skinny 8-year-old girl, I couldn't muster up the courage to talk to the boy in my class, and how now I find myself functioning that same exact way.

Old habits die hard I guess.

Waiting until Valentine's Day to slip a specially made valentine in his doily-covered box or playing kick ball with him and the guys were my subtle ways of hoping he would come to class one day and kiss me as we were taking off our snow boots by our cubbies.

As much as I want to say how much I have changed and how confident I have become, I find myself doing the same exact thing with the same exact mindset. No matter what happened or how my confidence was boosted that day, I still walk away thinking,

If only this happened...

Well, I'm tired of living in the "if only" fantasies and want to surround myself in the "i can't believe" realities.

Why is it, that at nearly 18 years old, I still find myself walking away from a situation muttering "if only I did this..."?

If only I smiled at him then maybe we would be talking.

Somehow I convince myself that everything is awkward the next day even when nothing even remotely happened. I still get jittery when I see a boy I like and it takes so much for me to get myself to utter a hello when they walk by. Instead of saying "if only", I wish I said "i can't believe we just had a laughing contest in the library" because I decided to take a risk rather than let the opportunity pass me by.

I tend to live life in a fantasy world, relying on my imagination to compensate for my lack of spontaneity in certain situations and I am bothered by that.

I understand being socially awkward at age 8, but to be walking into my senior year of high school with not even the slightest idea of how to talk to the boy I sit in front of and have a major crush on, well, that's when I have to stop and wonder.

When in life did I decide that this was ok?

When in life did I decide that other people's opinions could determine my actions throughout the day?

I want to be able to walk away from each scenario I place myself in and say "WOW, I can't believe that just happened", eager to start the next day with that same attitude.

So what will you do?

Live your life in the "if only" mindset, or take a risk each day, living life without the fear of regretting a decision you decided not to make, just because you convinced yourself that the risk simply wasn't worth it.