...for the Unstable

I need stability in my life.

I've been uprooted in the life I've been living and am left holding nothing but weeds and a fear of never being able to grow again.The fact is,

I'm lost and all I want is to be rooted in something bigger than the life I'm living.

I'm bitter and confused and have lost any control I thought I may have had. It seems as though people always leave and it's a vicious cycle I've been stuck in the middle of since before I had the ability to know what that felt like.

I want to have a relationship with someone, anyone, past a few months.

People leave and start a new journey on a different path they've been called to take, and I get that.

I just don't get why change has to mean the loss of relationships.

Whether we want to believe it or not, the fact of the matter is that through any change, there is going to be a shift in a relationship. Your small group leader may be moved to a different part of the church, your friends may find things out about you that you had wanted to keep a secret, or you intentionally put yourself in a situation that belittles you in the worst way. No matter what the change is, you're affecting some sort of connection you have had with someone.

Not only are you affecting someone else, but you're affecting the relationship you have within yourself. Through this confusion and doubt I judge myself more than any other person might. I feel hypocritical, I feel weak, I feel unwanted. I feel like the late start I've had in so many areas of my life is always going to hinder me from fully being caught up with the rest of my social circle.

In hard situations, just like in my relationships, I find that my thoughts are chopped and scattered. In the midst of a lacking stability in my own life, I lack the ability to be rooted in my own thoughts and tend to give generic responses.

"I am SO glad to hear that. I'm so happy for you."

"Great, let's talk later."

I don't want to be that person.

Right now though, I am.

I'm lost and scared and have lost control of stability.

Unfortunately I have no words of optimism for this situation I'm in.

Unfortunately I can't see what lies ahead of me for this road I'm on.

Unfortunately I've been uprooted.

Unfortunately, this vicious circle never ends.

Fortunately, the circle goes around and leaves me time to replant and reroot the damage that's been done.