...for the Nostalgic

Considering I haven't "blogged" in a while, I wanted to avoid a Christmas themed post as my first hoorah back, but I figured this was as far away from Christmas as I could get today.

Watching the Disneyland parade this morning with my mom and Alana, I felt the urge to get up and leave every time the hosts announced the upcoming movies in fear that they would be shown in 3D.

every movie coming out is in 3D.

Now, it may just be my immense hatred towards 3D movies and the headaches they give me, or it could be my ever-increasing nostalgia during the holiday season, but I hate the fact that 3D movies and ipod nanos have taken the place of drive-in theatre dates and tuning in to listen to Little Orphan Annie on the floor with your brother.

We focus so much on the future and what's to come that we forget about the

simplicity of our past and the memories that came with it.

I know this seems to be a reoccurring theme for me; no simplicity, everything is changing, bla bla bla, but it seriously upsets me.The fact that movies have turned to 3D is just an example of how jaded it has all become. We don't see the movie for the storyline or the acting ability anymore, we see it for the special effects and how sexy the two-headed aliens can be.

When the toy soldiers from Babes in Toyland came out earlier, I am embarrassed to say I teared up a bit. I remember watching that movie with my sister and just staring in awe at how magical it all was.

I don't care about Tron and its holograms.

I don't care about Monsters Inc. and the dancing monsters.

I care about the originals.

I care about Cinderella and her hopeless romanticism, hoping one day her prince will come.

I care about Pinnochio and his long nose, teaching you lessons everytime he fibbed.

I care about the memories I had while experiencing those.

I know it differs for each generation and that this generation I am lumped into is more focused on computers instead of newspapers, but I always just want to hope.

I just want to hope that this is all a dream and that when I step outside each morning I'll magically turn into a Disney princess and that my day will consist of drive-in movie theatres, snowball fights and the smell of fresh-baked cookies. That television isn't the only form of entertainment and for one day walking would be the only way to get around town.

This Christmas, the economy left our family humbled and simple. I focused on hand-made candles, cut-and-paste picture frames, and baked-with-love cookies. So far, this has been the best Christmas yet. I like(once the stress passed)that I didn't have money to spend. So as you gather around the tree with your family or around the dinner table with your relatives, what will your conversations be centered around? The upcoming 3D movie Cowboys and Aliens, or the winter your grandparents spent walking around town with nothing but a jar of jam to give and every intention of a good day.

So what will you do?

Continue to live life inside a 3D movie, never fully knowing what is going to jump out at you, or will you take a break and visit the drive-in with your closest friends, making another memory to reminisce about in the years to come.

...for the Content

The long road filled with potholes of doubt and detours through unhappiness has finally presented a fork for me to choose my own path.

Left: to continue down a path that left me empty and always craving more, or

Right: along a path that always seemed to have brighter days.

I've been going to bed each night with a smile on my face, completely ready to face the day ahead of me when I wake up. No matter how much sleep I deprive myself of during the week, I am eager to continue down the path of community during the weekend. My goal in almost everything I do is to attain a sense of community and to join together as a unified group of people to be one, all supporting one another through each and every detour.

I have found community.

I have found happiness.

Although this week posed challenges that I wasn't ready to face and left me leaving school with tears in my eyes, I find myself looking at the bigger picture tonight.

As I left a Christmas party earlier this evening and stepped into my car, I realized that all of the potential negatives that have been engulfing me this week were just a breath of fresh air in disguise. The defeat and embarrassment I felt when I received my part in the play or even the feeling of disappointment when I recalled the fact that I wasn't allowed to apply out of state for college, all of those factors kept calling towards one thing- Junior High Ministry. With those negatives came the positives of Addy, the 6th grade girl in the ornamented christmas sweater and even the fire that I have been consumed with to get the ball rolling on an upcoming charity event. No matter how I choose to see my previous week, I can always agree on the realization that life is great.

I have found my steady group of friends and have come to feel wanted and important to the people I have been surrounding myself with lately.

One of my best friends Ryanne told me that she wanted me to write about something happy. Reluctantly, I didn't just in spite of her, but in reality, that is all I wanted to write about.

All I wanted to write about were the nights spent staying up late watching movies.

All I wanted to write about were the new friends made and the old relationships strengthened.

All I wanted to write about was the peace inside my heart that I have finally attained.

There is comfort in chaos.

and I fully attest to that now.

No matter no stressful my week has been or how many fights I got into at home, it all just seems to appear farther and farther away the further down the road to happiness I travel on.

I chose Right instead of Left.

What will you do?

Venture down a road filled with potholes and isolation, or turn the corner into a group of people who truly care.

...for the Regretful

As I was walking into the gas station to pay for my gas the other day, I was stopped by a sophomore at my school who asked me to buy cigarettes for him. This posed two questions.

1. Why would I buy you cigarettes?

2. Do I look like someone who would even buy you cigarettes?

I tried to brush it off as I drove home but couldn't help but let my mind race through past years and past experiences. I realized that if I was asked this same question two years ago, I might have given in. I might have done that because it just seemed okay to do.

I find myself more recently than ever getting caught up in my past.

I find myself more recently than ever wondering if I can ever move past the life I used to lead and the decisions I used to make.

It seems the more and more I try to forget the past, the more and more those around me try to remember in it. I don't want to go through each day trying to maneuver around a conversation just to avoid a topic that makes my heart beat fast with the fear of someone finding out about the person I used to be.

I want to be able to rip up the pages that fill the past chapters of my life, but I know that no matter how hard I try that will never happen. I continue to let myself get caught up in the regrets I have rather than focusing on the next page to be written.

There is always an opportunity to start over with a white blank page.

:a white blank page and a swelling rage, rage. you did not think when you sent me to the grave, grave. you desired my attention but denied my affections, affections:

Mumford and Sons puts it perfectly into words for my life situation. I struggled and am continuously working through the issue of pleasing others rather than myself in ways that belittle me in order to assure their happiness. Once I started to rely on a stronger support system through church and God and started to break ties with the false comforts, I realized that there was always going to be a blank page. There was always going to be a fresh start for the past I felt I wanted to erase.

As I drove past the gas station I let those fears consume me. Instead of realizing what was ahead, I let myself dwell on what had already happened, and I see this occur everyday.

The girl who sits three rows behind you who is afraid to make new friends just to avoid the risk of being judged. Your neighbor who refuses to let people in because his family never wanted to step inside his life after the decisions he made one weekend. Or the close friend who wont let herself date the boy she likes in fear of never fully being loved because of her past. We choose to walk through school each day never fully letting people see who we are because of the person we once were.

Don't let yourself be trapped inside a room with only your regrets to keep you company.

The only thing you gain is self-loathing and a fear of never being loved; of never being accepted.

The next time you hang out with friends, the next time you meet someone new, the next time you sit at the dinner table with your family, turn a page.

Start a new chapter in your life lived in the shoes of the you who you want to be.

So as I pose this question, I challenge you:

What will you do? Try to rip up the pages in a chapter that has already been read, or turn the page, and start over with a white blank page.

"I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way, He loves us, oh how He loves us." ~How He loves us