As I was walking into the gas station to pay for my gas the other day, I was stopped by a sophomore at my school who asked me to buy cigarettes for him. This posed two questions.1. Why would I buy you cigarettes?
2. Do I look like someone who would even buy you cigarettes?
I tried to brush it off as I drove home but couldn't help but let my mind race through past years and past experiences. I realized that if I was asked this same question two years ago, I might have given in. I might have done that because it just seemed okay to do.
I find myself more recently than ever getting caught up in my past.
I find myself more recently than ever wondering if I can ever move past the life I used to lead and the decisions I used to make.
It seems the more and more I try to forget the past, the more and more those around me try to remember in it. I don't want to go through each day trying to maneuver around a conversation just to avoid a topic that makes my heart beat fast with the fear of someone finding out about the person I used to be.
I want to be able to rip up the pages that fill the past chapters of my life, but I know that no matter how hard I try that will never happen. I continue to let myself get caught up in the regrets I have rather than focusing on the next page to be written.
There is always an opportunity to start over with a white blank page.
:a white blank page and a swelling rage, rage. you did not think when you sent me to the grave, grave. you desired my attention but denied my affections, affections:
Mumford and Sons puts it perfectly into words for my life situation. I struggled and am continuously working through the issue of pleasing others rather than myself in ways that belittle me in order to assure their happiness. Once I started to rely on a stronger support system through church and God and started to break ties with the false comforts, I realized that there was always going to be a blank page. There was always going to be a fresh start for the past I felt I wanted to erase.
As I drove past the gas station I let those fears consume me. Instead of realizing what was ahead, I let myself dwell on what had already happened, and I see this occur everyday.
The girl who sits three rows behind you who is afraid to make new friends just to avoid the risk of being judged. Your neighbor who refuses to let people in because his family never wanted to step inside his life after the decisions he made one weekend. Or the close friend who wont let herself date the boy she likes in fear of never fully being loved because of her past. We choose to walk through school each day never fully letting people see who we are because of the person we once were.
Don't let yourself be trapped inside a room with only your regrets to keep you company.
The only thing you gain is self-loathing and a fear of never being loved; of never being accepted.
The next time you hang out with friends, the next time you meet someone new, the next time you sit at the dinner table with your family, turn a page.
Start a new chapter in your life lived in the shoes of the you who you want to be.
So as I pose this question, I challenge you:
What will you do? Try to rip up the pages in a chapter that has already been read, or turn the page, and start over with a white blank page.
"I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way, He loves us, oh how He loves us." ~How He loves us
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