...for the Stagnant

I started my first week of classes this past Monday, and while I would love to say I was going through the hustle and bustle of finding those classes spread out far and wide around campus, I was merely down the road at IVC.

Nearly all of my friends have left for college and I really thought I was fine until I logged onto Facebook. Status after status and wall post after wall post about new roommates, freshman year activities and new faces they see each day have left me feeling alone and stagnant.

Unlike my friends who get to experience the excitement of moving out and onto a whole new journey, I've continued living at home, bumping into the familiar faces of high school.

Don't get me wrong, I am so excited for all that my friends get to experience, and although I know this stay at IVC was the best for me right now, I can't help but feeling like this isn't where I should be.

I always thought my freshman year would be spent at a University and that going to Bed Bath and Beyond would be a given. I never expected to spend a year at a community college before heading off on my own. I never expected to be the one friend that stayed behind, watching as everyone else started new. I always told myself IVC wasn't for me. I always told myself I wouldn't let that happen.

I walked into my first class on the first day of school and rather than saying to myself, "this is going to be a great year", I said "there is no way I can stay here for two years"

I hate it. Honestly, I hate this. This situation I've chosen for myself and placed myself in, thinking this is what I wanted. Deep down, I knew I never wanted this but I told myself I did; financially, spiritually, allowing me to get further involved with things here in Irvine. I am already starting to see the positives of me staying here:

a beautiful group of 7th grade girls to lead at church

running Ignite a second year in a row

new internships taking flight

But most days, the negatives heavily outweigh the positives in my life. The thoughts of missing out and being left behind consume my mind and take me through this daily process of self-loathing.

I feel stupid. I feel stagnant. I feel useless.

I just want to be able to do everything else it seems like every other person is doing. I want to have a roommate and decorate my dorm room. I want to go to orientation and sit through droning seminars about "college safety" and the school's standards. I want to eat bad dorm food, rush a sorority, put all of my toiletries in a bucket. I want to have a week full of ice breakers and new student games. I want to be apart of something bigger than simply going to class. I want to be apart of a group of people who want to be where they are and are in the same exact boat as I am.

I know that staying here has presented opportunity after opportunity for ways to be involved and truly make an impact.

But, as much as I may know this, I still want to be upset. Just for a little bit longer.

I haven't been able to fully let go and realize that this year simply isn't going to go as planned.

I know that someday I will, but today doesn't seem to be that day.

I wish I had words of encouragement for myself, but today doesn't seem to be that day either.

...for the shocked

Being gone for the past week on a trip with junior high ministry, I decided I was tired of my sour patch kids and packaged food diet and made the wise and proud decision to head to the gym.

Arriving excited and ready to get back into the swing of my usual routine, I wasn't expecting to leave with tears welling up in my eyes.

After my successfully tiring cardio workout, I made the next stop on my list to the sauna before I started on weights and such. I had been sitting in a sweaty awkward silence for about 10 minutes or so when suddenly the guy next to me had an outburst. See, there were four of us occupying this tiny space. Myself, two younger guys in their 20's and a man I'd say not much older than the other two who was coughing excessively. He was on my left while the whack job was on my right. I feel like it's only necessary to tell you that the innocent man to the left of me smelled of lavender while the predator on my right was soaking wet and had a very distracting tattoo that covered the entirety of his back.

Back to the story:

It was obvious that this man's coughing was a bit loud and contagious, but rather than politely asking him to cover his mouth or even step outside for a minute to clear his throat, the guy next to me flung curse word after curse word at this guy. I heard his piercing voice through my earphones and quickly turned my music off. I was shocked; So taken back by this man's vulgar approach. He even had the audacity to ask the rest of us if we agreed with him, implying he was right. All I could utter from my mouth was, "well, that was really rude of you to do." He proceeded to curse and tried getting the guy to step outside and fight him. I got up from my seat and opened the door and right as I did, I heard the words, "and my god, look how big your nose is, seriously." It was coming to a point where an attack was happening. I stopped dead in my tracks and contemplated turning around to lash out. But all I could do was turn around, glare, and keep walking.

Why are people so rude? Especially to people they don't even know.

I wish I could have said something, mustered up the courage to do more and defend this man who was being so harshly verbally attacked.

But I didn't, instead of stepping in, I stepped aside.

I left the situation alone and allowed this tattooed, insecure, inconsiderate man get away with nothing but a few weak words and a cold glare.

I don't understand what makes people think they have the right to treat someone so poorly. It's something that has always plagued my thoughts and really rests heavy on my heart. I don't get it, so if someone could explain it to me I would love to hear the explanation. As individuals, we have a choice. We have a choice to interact with those around us or continue on our path as if we were the only ones present. Given the opportunity to meet new people or cross paths with someone I've never met before, the first and only thought I have is to be considerate. Maybe it's how I was raised, or maybe it's being a decent person, but no one ever deserves to be talked to the way this man was approached today. It stung me, and I wasn't even the one being talked to.

I wish more people would realize that the only approach should be through love.

So, what will you do? Continue on your path, cold and downcast, shying away from new relationships, or will you lift your head high, and meet everyone new with a smile and an open heart.

...for the long gone but close at heart

Saying goodbye sucks.

So I usually avoid it.

Saying goodbye sucks and although I would love to avoid it, it's inevitable and sometimes I just have to pony up and do it.

It seems as though these past few weeks have been filled with nothing but goodbyes and quite frankly, I want a new change of pace. Going house to house, a picture frame or card in hand, readying myself mentally for all of the nostalgia we will go through, the memories we will reminisce about, and the holiday breaks we will be sure to visit each other on has become repetitive and robotic. Not to mention the weekly heytell or texting updates and frequented yet most likely dwindling Skype conversations that we plan out right before the final hug.

Last week my goodbyes were reserved for the long time friends I have grown up with all throughout high school and for some, even elementary school. Those have been some of the hardest, but the ones yet to come are going to be the worst: the best friends.

After a great going away party last night, the host of the night pointed out to me that he had to leave his best friends behind that day; that for him, that was the last night he could say goodbye.

And it hit me.

I didn't realize that I would ever have to really say goodbye to my best friends. Scattered all around California, I am lucky enough to say that my closest friends are in an inconveniently enough driving distance away from me, but for them, it's all the convenience I need. Then there's Maddy. 3,006 miles away from me in Providence, Rhode Island, I can't hop into my car whenever I feel like getting away for the weekend. No, she decided to intentionally place herself as far away from me as possible. Kudos to my other best friends, but for her, I have decided to hold a grudge.

Needless to say, saying goodbye to the people I know best is going to be a moment I am dreading to experience.

But then, camp happened.

Right when I thought I knew everyone I wanted to say goodbye to, I met a whole new set of 12 amazing people.

For those of you who have never experienced a church camp, being a leader for a retreat, or any other leadership experience involving bonding with strangers, you may not fully appreciate the impact that these short-term best friends make on your life.

Saying goodbye to best friends is probably the worst goodbye I will have to ever face, but saying goodbye to a group of people who just recently walked into your life and then so quickly walked out is a weird feeling.

I spent about 3 hours a week for 8 weeks straight with a group of strangers and then once camp hit, the 24 hour a day interactions turned these strangers into family.

We ate together, we woke up early and stayed up late together, we made fools of ourselves and observed as others did the same. We had deep conversations during our meal times and gossiped about the events of the night huddled around a small apartment table. Pranks were pulled, hats were worn, and shakas were thrown and all throughout these events, we bonded. We became a group of leaders rather than 13 leaders placed in one room.

We worked together and it was one of the greatest weeks we could have had.

But instead of going back home and picking up where we left off, reality set in and I realized that we don't have the opportunity to do that anymore. Our "camp high" would hit its low right when we departed to our respective cars.

That feeling, that goodbye, sucks.

Saying goodbye to someone when there is still so much time to say hello is weird. It didn't feel fair to me that these relationships were cut short before most of them could fully take flight.

I am excited for all of us. I am excited for the paths we will be taking at our new schools and for the whole new set of strangers we will meet and call our friends. As excited as I am, I didn't expect to be this taken back by how bummed I feel.

I know that if it's worth it, we will stay in touch.

I know that as time passes, it will get harder and harder to do just that.

I know that as weird as those goodbyes may have felt, I have a week full of memories to keep me stoked on those people.

Saying goodbye sucks.

But the people you are saying goodbye to make it totally worth it.

Thanks to my week-long ASB camp family

-let's not become too estranged, ya?

To those of us out there having to say our goodbyes: good friends, acquaintances, best friends and family, or even those people who just came to say hello,

Goodnight and Goodluck.