...for the Stagnant

I started my first week of classes this past Monday, and while I would love to say I was going through the hustle and bustle of finding those classes spread out far and wide around campus, I was merely down the road at IVC.

Nearly all of my friends have left for college and I really thought I was fine until I logged onto Facebook. Status after status and wall post after wall post about new roommates, freshman year activities and new faces they see each day have left me feeling alone and stagnant.

Unlike my friends who get to experience the excitement of moving out and onto a whole new journey, I've continued living at home, bumping into the familiar faces of high school.

Don't get me wrong, I am so excited for all that my friends get to experience, and although I know this stay at IVC was the best for me right now, I can't help but feeling like this isn't where I should be.

I always thought my freshman year would be spent at a University and that going to Bed Bath and Beyond would be a given. I never expected to spend a year at a community college before heading off on my own. I never expected to be the one friend that stayed behind, watching as everyone else started new. I always told myself IVC wasn't for me. I always told myself I wouldn't let that happen.

I walked into my first class on the first day of school and rather than saying to myself, "this is going to be a great year", I said "there is no way I can stay here for two years"

I hate it. Honestly, I hate this. This situation I've chosen for myself and placed myself in, thinking this is what I wanted. Deep down, I knew I never wanted this but I told myself I did; financially, spiritually, allowing me to get further involved with things here in Irvine. I am already starting to see the positives of me staying here:

a beautiful group of 7th grade girls to lead at church

running Ignite a second year in a row

new internships taking flight

But most days, the negatives heavily outweigh the positives in my life. The thoughts of missing out and being left behind consume my mind and take me through this daily process of self-loathing.

I feel stupid. I feel stagnant. I feel useless.

I just want to be able to do everything else it seems like every other person is doing. I want to have a roommate and decorate my dorm room. I want to go to orientation and sit through droning seminars about "college safety" and the school's standards. I want to eat bad dorm food, rush a sorority, put all of my toiletries in a bucket. I want to have a week full of ice breakers and new student games. I want to be apart of something bigger than simply going to class. I want to be apart of a group of people who want to be where they are and are in the same exact boat as I am.

I know that staying here has presented opportunity after opportunity for ways to be involved and truly make an impact.

But, as much as I may know this, I still want to be upset. Just for a little bit longer.

I haven't been able to fully let go and realize that this year simply isn't going to go as planned.

I know that someday I will, but today doesn't seem to be that day.

I wish I had words of encouragement for myself, but today doesn't seem to be that day either.