...for the Fearful

"The best years of my life I was a fool to give to you"

In the words of Adelaide in Guys and Dolls, fear consumed the best years of my life, those of which being the majority of my high school career and today of all days, I was reminded of that very fear.

Whether it was the heat I was immersed in or the hundreds of theatre people I was surrounded by, I took my experience at Theatrefest as one of learning. Yes, I scoured the CSULB lawn for an ounce of sanity, hoping to find it in my ipod or at least one straight guy throwing a football, but when all I could do was witness the flash mob of YMCA, my mind started wandering.

To say the least, Guys and Dolls was on my mind and the soundtrack was playing on repeat in my head. Leave it up to me to find a hidden meaning in the hot box girl's defiant lyrics.

As I played over the duet between Adelaide and Nathan, I recognized a comparison to their dysfunctional relationship and my ever-growing fear.

Today at Theatrefest, I walked past cross-dressers and clowns, refused to take part in the "spirit activities" of picking up trash, and switched my guydar on full blast in hopes of finding someone to flirt with. But through all that chaos, I still found time to be reminded of a fear that consumed me this past summer.

We all go through different life experiences yet we all seem to share the base feelings and emotions; one of which, is fear. For me, fear comes from people leaving.

What I battled through this past summer was realizing that my fear of people leaving ultimately led to my destruction, causing me to pull away from every and anything good in a relationship, in hopes of never having to reach the point of being so

in love with,

enamored by,

closed linked,

wildly impressed,

or forever attached to someone, and in such a place of comfort, only to have that safety stripped of me, leaving me alone with the preconceived notion that people always leave.

My doubts have seemingly been the only reason something so great turns to something so messy and jaded.

It's funny, really. And quite a contradiction.

That my fear of people leaving ultimately leads to a reality of people gone?

Why do we succumb to the expectations presented to us by our fears?

When will we allow ourselves to break the rules and dare our fears, face to face?

It has been said that the only thing to fear is fear itself, but I would argue to take that a step further. Fear itself if you want to look at it straight on, is a pretty frightening concept. But turn it around or view it's profile image, and you see things you may have never seen before. The inner-workings of where that fear came from or the side effects of never facing those fears are hard to see on the front cover, but read the pages and it all becomes so clear.

Yes, fear itself is frightening, but if you take the time to dissect that fear, it becomes nothing more that a puzzle to solve.

The bully who steals the underclassmen's lunches reads "Tough Guy" on the front cover, but open to chapter one and is starts to unfold that his dad is out of the picture and he is forced to be the head of the house, with nothing but the fear of seeming weak to weigh him down.

The comedian who reads "Optimist" as this week's best seller may really be the younger sibling of the perfect child, so she relies on her personality to hide her fear of seeming imperfect; not skinny enough, not bright enough, not pretty enough.

Or for me, the extracurricular junkie who reads "Well Rehearsed" across the front cover, to really reveal an actress who is semi-acquainted with half the school and keeps it that way to keep her relationships simple because of her fear of people leaving.

I could be off on the notions, and I could be looking too much into things.

But what if I'm not? What if behind every cover there were pages and pages of uncovered information about your peers, your family, and even yourself?

In today's society, we have typed up a title to allow others to read and have left it at that. We have let ourselves believe that the pages are blank and all there is to fall back on is the two or three words plastering the front cover. It saddens me that we have let ourselves become bystanders to our own lives. We have mentally erased the pages written and have vaguely typed up a few new ones in hopes of seeming a little more put together than we truly are.

So what will you do? Will you obey your fears and erase the pages already written, or will you double-dog dare them and continue writing until your fear becomes nothing more than a chapter in your book.

::John 6:37::

...for the Joyful

Look Up.

One of the best pieces of advice I have ever received.

It seems a tad arbitrary to just look up, but if you really go into depth about those two simple words, it will unravel a moment of overwhelming comfort which just today brought me close to tears.

In this chaotic life, it seems as though simple moments are pushed to the side.

Family dinners, a few minutes of silence, or even a second or two to glance up above are a few of life's simple pleasures that have slipped away through the hands of our generation.

Over my four years in high school, I have found that each year I get older and older, the less and less of these moments I allow myself to soak in, and that scares me.

It scares me that at 18 years old, I have my whole life ahead of me and on the path that I'm on, the only parts of my life I'll be living are the scheduled events and commitments I have racked up, unable to trade them in for a coupon labeled "day of nothing. take a breath."

Crying alone in my room last night, failure could most definitely be a valid word to describe the bulk of my emotions. Right as I was about to grab for the tissue box, a friendly facebook chat grabbed my attention. In the sea of words, all I needed to fish for was Look Up. Frustrated, bitter, and determined to do one thing right, I looked up at my ceiling and broke into even more tears of frustration.

Today though, that piece of advice was greeted with tears of another sort. Tears filled with emotions I hadn't experienced in weeks. As I got out of my car, I remembered these words. Standing in the middle of my street, I followed the directions and the reaction was one I wasn't expecting.

Joy beat through my heart and welled up in my eyes.

The simplicity of nothingness and the ability to feel as small as a grain of sand was something that sent my mind spinning.

Why do we ignore the simplicity around us and allow ourselves to be controlled by our schedules?

I forgot joy could come from such a simple action.

I have found that the hardest road to take is often the one most traveled when it comes to our work load.

If I join sport A, college B will accept me.

If I stay at the gym X minutes longer, boy Y will like me more.

If I never say no, my life will be easier at some point.

Well, when is that point?

Is it ever really reached?

No, I beg to differ.

By stretching yourself too thin, you get sucked into the mindset that free time is a waste of time.

I have been living my life with the idea that I am worthless, useless, and stagnant unless I am always on the go, always adding more miles to my road travelled, and never having to feel the weight of failure at the nearest turn pike to grab a bite to eat and take a breath of fresh air.

So, what will you do?

Get out of your car, Look Up and experience a moment of free time, or will you continue down the road, never taking the nearest exit in fear of wasting time that could be better spent getting you closer and closer to your destination of Nowhere.

...for the Defeated

My youth pastor recently said to me that the day after doing something huge for God, it's normal to feel overwhelmed and short-tempered. This past Saturday I lived those emotions which I took as completely normal. What I fear isn't normal though, is the realization that these emotions have yet to pass.

Ever since last Friday night, it feels as though my life has taken a turn into a rapid downward spiral.

This last week posed many challenges I was hoping to avoid.

Challenges involving my future.

Challenges involving my conscious.

Challenges that have left me feeling defeated and empty.

Rather than walking through a week of acceptance with a bright light to guide me, I found myself constricted in a blanket stitched with rejection and false hopes.

rejection and false hopes.

Emotions I am in all honesty not too familiar with in most aspects of my life.

When it comes to boys, rejection is almost always prominent, almost as prominent as the false hope of getting an A on my math quiz.

College acceptance letters on the other hand, have up until a few days ago, always left me with a little less weight on my shoulders and another gold star to add to the collection.

It all feels like a thunderstorm, instantaneous and ruthless, although I am sure this has been quite a climactic build for a few months now, creeping up every night, camouflaging itself as dew on blades of grass and damp parking lots in the mornings.

It all feels like a thunderstorm, because I have finally let the umbrella go.

These past five months have been filled with to-do lists, meetings, weekly drives to print shops and high schools, and the never-ending beckon of "urgent" e-mails. With all of this to get done, I was able to shield myself from the rain, keeping an umbrella at a safe distance for those moments of hesitation.

I reached for my umbrella a few days ago and found a rejection letter instead.

My umbrella was supposed to shield me from that disappointment and protect me from the truth. Shoved away in the back of my closet, it only left me stranded, choosing to desert me when all I needed was a false hope.

I feel as though we are set up to fail at a very early age.

Your dance recital always goes well, as long as there is enough licorice and hairspray backstage.

You ace almost every vocabulary test since over half the words are on laminated posters on the wall.

And no matter what, your parents always tell you that you will go far in life, the world is our oyster, and we can be whoever we want to be.

To me, this presents a false hope to act as a padding through the bumpy walks of life.

I wasn't supposed to be rejected, my mom told me I was going to go far.

I wasn't supposed to be rejected, my uncle went to that school.

I wasn't supposed to be rejected, ASB Presidents are supposed to be safe.

I wasn't supposed to be rejected, but there is no way to deny that I was.

I know I can't go through life expecting to avoid rejection, it is just really hard to handle at times.

My umbrella wont always be there to protect me from the rain, but if I let go and set it aside, I may come to realize that the drizzle up above isn't as bad as I made myself believe.

So what will you do?

Keep your umbrella at your side in fear of a light sprinkle, or will you let go and allow yourself to dance in the rain?

...for the Peeved

Gym Etiquette.

Is it so much to ask that you go to the gym for one reason?

To work out.

The gym is a safe-haven, a place where you can improve your fitness and focus on one thing.

It is NOT a place for multitasking. It may quite possibly be the only time and place in your life where multi-tasking is a definite no. Besides church.

Multitasking is not always necessary.

There are things you should do at the gym and things you should really try your hardest to avoid. While trying to be productive tonight as I was working out, I couldn't help but become preoccupied with staring at the few people who easily demonstrated a long list of "no-no's".

For example...

I was feeling a little more bottom-heavy than usual today, so I decided to waltz on over to the leg machines. As my friend and I were picking out which machine to do, we rested our eyes on the perfect one; you know, the one where you sit down and you press a ton of weight while bending your knees? I don't know the politically correct term. Anyways, before we took a step closer we saw a woman just resting on the machine. Reading a magazine. Excuse me, reading Glamour magazine, a not-so-easy read that requires your full attention for articles that teach you how to pick out the perfect lip gloss for your skin tone and how to stay safe in dark alleys. I gave her the up-down and we proceed to stare for another 8 seconds or so in awe of her activity of choice. Maddy and I were determined to tone-up and get swoll and our plans took a turn for the worst when this woman decided to multitask during our precious gym time.

To make matters even worse, right when we turn our gaze to another leg machine, this younger couple is using it. But not only are they "using" the machine, they are flirting and kissing in between sets. Not to mention, the girl had her hair down. EVERYONE knows you don't work out with your hair down. Valentine's Day is 4 days away, please save the PDA for Monday, or at least wait until you leave the gym. At this point, Maddy and I were peeved to say the least. Single girls with no form of reading material to keep us busy while waiting for our machines, we had looks of disgust imprinted on our faces.

Finally we were able to work out, but not in peace as we had hoped. High pitched laughter echoed right behind me and as we both slowly turned our heads, we saw the perfect example of inappropriate gym etiquette. Two 8th grade girls wearing skin-tight roxy spandex and see-through tops held instructions for every machine in their hands as they flipped their long hair out of their faces. SINCE IT WAS DOWN. They were checking themselves out in the mirror, allowing themselves to be consumed by the middle school mindset that you truly believed being picked up in a gym was possible. Maddy and I shared a quick laugh and a roll of the eyes and decided that we had extended our welcome in the weight room. But to top it off, as we were gathering our car keys and mandatory towels, an older mad possibly in his late-50s was walking in our direction.

This man's outfit of choice consisted of those weird frog-like water booties, a skin-tight maroon under armor tanktop and a pair of long spandex zipper leggings to complete his ensemble. I don't think I need to further explain where the gym etiquette was lacking.

To say the least, I could have been much more productive tonight.

My point through this whole rant though, is this:

Living in such a busy world where texting, taking class notes, and eating an apple all at the same time have become normalcies, we tend to forget the simple things in life.

Being able to just stick your earphones in and work out.

Being able to have a face-to-face conversation without any distractions.

Being able to take a breathe every once in a while and realize that life doesn't always have to move as fast as we have let ourselves believe.

So what will you do?

Read a magazine and attempt to work out?

Or will you stick in your earphones and focus on those leg workouts you have been looking forward to all day.

...for the Guarded

Maybe I'll just stay busy. Maybe I'll just exercise a lot. Maybe I'll just do everything but sit here and think about my flaw.

My flaw that has ruined relationships and refuses to allow me to grow.

My flaw that has consumed me these past few weeks.

I am guarded.

I fear proximity.

I crave relationships.

I grieve mistakes.

Sometimes I just want to leave.

To open up a bookstore in a little boat town. To go to a new school with an accent. To live a completely different life than the one I've been living. Instead, I'm stuck in this life and I don't know how to happily stay here at the moment. This isn't a children's book you can buy on a kindle, where you can escape to a world where paste covered fingers and battling imaginary dragons are your only problems. Instead, we have to face our own dragons. No knight in shining armor or dinner time to save the day. Just you, the dragon, and your toilet paper roll sword.

My dragons have been winning the battles lately.

My dragons have been breathing fire lined with doubt and laced with regret.

My toilet paper sword bends when it hits the shield guarding my dragons and unfortunately, the only guard I have is the one I've put up.

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Proverbs 4:23

I know this to be true, but I don't know why I have to follow it so literally.

I could rattle off a list of "i hopes" and "i wishes" but that won't get me anywhere but hoping and wishing to turn back time and fix what's been done. Instead I want to start rattling off lists of "i can" and "i will"

I can open up to someone I love.

I can guard my heart yet show and receive compassion from those around me.

I will live in the present and move away from dwelling in the past.

And I will fight my dragons with a terry cloth cape and an aluminum foil shield, and be very successful at that.

...for the Avoider

I tend to avoid a problem that is right in front of me.

Rather than dealing with it correctly, facing it head on and full throttle, I put the issue on the back burner, letting it get lukewarm as the heat dies down.

This weekend was full of over-crowded back burners that were finally moved up a spot, ready to be re-lit.

In so many areas of my life I have recently made revelations about things that I already knew, but avoided acknowledging.

I knew I loved cheddar and sour cream chips, but denied myself the delicious taste whenever I walked by.

I knew I missed working out, but failed to get my routine back.

I knew I needed a softer heart, but failed to sand the edges down to let people in.

I knew I belittled people with words, but refused to let myself feel weak anymore.

I knew I was ready, but I pushed aside anyone else's feelings for my own gain.

So often we let ourselves deny the right so we can falsely accept the wrong.

So often that blows up in our faces.

This weekend I was over letting everything get lukewarm, so I brought the heat up a notch or two and through that, I had doubts. I told myself I wasn't ready for the revelations I made, that I wasn't ready to move past the mediocracy of the lukewarm life I was living, and that I wasn't ready to fully commit to a change.

Considering New Year's Resolutions are notoriously broken at least 5 days into the new year, I convinced myself that this year would be like any other and that I would let the progress pass me by and come around another year.

Well, 2011, do I have news for you. Not this time. Not this year. This year, is my year.

No matter how difficult it may be or how tiresome I may become of constantly living up to the expectations I laid out for myself, I want to succeed.

I knew I loved cheddar and sour cream chips, so I went out and bought some yesterday.

I knew I missed working out, so I turned up my ipod and headed to the gym.

I knew I needed a softer heart, so God placed in my life a sister with kinder words than I will ever come to say myself.

I knew I belittled people with words, so I bit my tongue and cried the whole way home, ashamed of the person I saw myself becoming.

I knew I was ready, but I put my convictions on the back burner in hopes of a future full of heat.

So, as we dip into the year 2011, what will you do?

Let your goals and hope become lukewarm as the months pass you by, or will you pick up that teapot filled with doubt and let it boil away over the heat sparked by convictions?

Accept the right, deny the wrong.

"Give as rain falls, effortlessly. Love as rain will continue, endlessly" ~Alana Aronson

...for the Nostalgic

Considering I haven't "blogged" in a while, I wanted to avoid a Christmas themed post as my first hoorah back, but I figured this was as far away from Christmas as I could get today.

Watching the Disneyland parade this morning with my mom and Alana, I felt the urge to get up and leave every time the hosts announced the upcoming movies in fear that they would be shown in 3D.

every movie coming out is in 3D.

Now, it may just be my immense hatred towards 3D movies and the headaches they give me, or it could be my ever-increasing nostalgia during the holiday season, but I hate the fact that 3D movies and ipod nanos have taken the place of drive-in theatre dates and tuning in to listen to Little Orphan Annie on the floor with your brother.

We focus so much on the future and what's to come that we forget about the

simplicity of our past and the memories that came with it.

I know this seems to be a reoccurring theme for me; no simplicity, everything is changing, bla bla bla, but it seriously upsets me.The fact that movies have turned to 3D is just an example of how jaded it has all become. We don't see the movie for the storyline or the acting ability anymore, we see it for the special effects and how sexy the two-headed aliens can be.

When the toy soldiers from Babes in Toyland came out earlier, I am embarrassed to say I teared up a bit. I remember watching that movie with my sister and just staring in awe at how magical it all was.

I don't care about Tron and its holograms.

I don't care about Monsters Inc. and the dancing monsters.

I care about the originals.

I care about Cinderella and her hopeless romanticism, hoping one day her prince will come.

I care about Pinnochio and his long nose, teaching you lessons everytime he fibbed.

I care about the memories I had while experiencing those.

I know it differs for each generation and that this generation I am lumped into is more focused on computers instead of newspapers, but I always just want to hope.

I just want to hope that this is all a dream and that when I step outside each morning I'll magically turn into a Disney princess and that my day will consist of drive-in movie theatres, snowball fights and the smell of fresh-baked cookies. That television isn't the only form of entertainment and for one day walking would be the only way to get around town.

This Christmas, the economy left our family humbled and simple. I focused on hand-made candles, cut-and-paste picture frames, and baked-with-love cookies. So far, this has been the best Christmas yet. I like(once the stress passed)that I didn't have money to spend. So as you gather around the tree with your family or around the dinner table with your relatives, what will your conversations be centered around? The upcoming 3D movie Cowboys and Aliens, or the winter your grandparents spent walking around town with nothing but a jar of jam to give and every intention of a good day.

So what will you do?

Continue to live life inside a 3D movie, never fully knowing what is going to jump out at you, or will you take a break and visit the drive-in with your closest friends, making another memory to reminisce about in the years to come.