...for the Believers

Last week I attended my annual visit to Pageant of the Masters. As we were huddled around the "kid table" at Sorrento Grille, Alana proceeded to fill our friends in on the typical events of the night:

walk to the show in uncomfortable heels, look at the art in uncomfortable heels, and protect yourself as best you can from mosquitos all throughout the duration of the entire show.

Not once did she mention that we ever fully engage in the show, so you can imagine how excited our friends were when they realized the next three hours would be spent gaining nothing close to the appreciation of art, but rather a new collection of bug bites.

But to my surprise, this year was different. "Only Make Believe" was the theme and when the show started off featuring Peter Pan, you knew the audience was hooked, or at least I was.

Looking around the crowd I saw people texting, sipping their white wines and chatting all throughout the show and for a moment I was compelled to do the same; until one piece of artwork struck my attention.

Faeries.

A beautiful painting of faeries sprinkling dust over the eyes of sleepy passer-byers in a forest grabbed my attention, not necessarily for the artwork displayed, but rather for the simple words uttered from the narrator's mouth- faery dust.

I immediately thought back to fifth grade. San Fransisco. A day trip my then-married parents took me and Alana on. Through the monotonous tours of Fisherman's Wharf and even in the silent quarrels between my parents, all I could think about was faeries. See, at age 10, it's fairly typical to have grown out of the stage of make-believe. But for Alana and I, it felt as though that was all we had control of. I had my eye set on this slender glass jar filled with fairy dust, completed perfectly with a pink bow. All I remember thinking was all I need is this dust. All I need is this little jar of hope to make all of my wishes come true.

See, it wasn't the fact that I still thought I believed in faeries, or even the fact that my parents bought me the vile of glitter and sequined paper, it was the fact that I had something to believe in.

I put my full trust in this little jar of make believe when my belief in anything else had been taken away.

We so often rely on the simple solution, the quick result, to get us out of any doubts or confusion we are surrounded by.

My faery dust didn't work. I spent the next year engulfed by confusion, relying on even more make believe moments to escape to.

I jumped out of this memory and back into the show to look behind me and see my dad with his wife and Alana with her friend.

It occurred to me that neither of them were thinking about the faery dust I put all of my trust in.

It also occurred to me that through the whole year we spent in confusion, they all had their own viles of make believe to fall back on.

Whether it's faery dust or the Bible, a friend or a hobby, we find outlets to help us cope with the confusion we don't have any control over.

For me, it started out with a small jar of dust. It ended with a community of friends and mentors and left me delving into a book of hope to search for the answers to my confusion. For me, that book worked and always will.

What will it be for you?

Buying a stale jar of faery dust or searching for what you truly believe in?

...for the Enlightened

Are you ever filled with so much emotion and you don't quite understand why?

You think of everything that makes you happy and all you want to do is run in the middle of the street in the pouring rain and cry because everything just feels so perfect?

I felt that just earlier today and I couldn't tell you why or how I felt that way- I just did.

Call it cliche, but as I was watching Glee tonight, my heart melted. I can't sing, I haven't danced for years, and Broadway has never been a dream of mine. But sitting on my couch watching them perform on an empty stage with absolutely no one watching and only their dreams to carry them through the song, I thought back through all of high school.

No matter what point in my life I was stuck in, theatre always found a way to pull me out of it. Acting is my passion and a life lived without a performance wouldn't be one worth living. I just sat there and thought back to my hours of rehearsal and the stress I went through to put on just three nights of performances.

You see, I have this moment. This moment right before I go on stage where I doubt everything that I have worked towards. I scratch my head and my nose in an OCD series only my dad could point out and I read over my lines in my head at least five times. After this, I walk alone to the side of the stage and look out. That view of the blinding lights blurring everything in my line of vision leaves me there with a smile. I feel alone without one ounce of loneliness, like all I need is myself to conquer the world, to conquer the stage.

It is at that moment where my heart breaks and a smile peeks through.

It is at that moment where I remember what makes me happy.

Being alone on an empty stage.

Pulling out my tap shoes and improvising until my feet bleed.

Walking in the snow with my favorite forest green hat on.

Envisioning myself in New York City living a typical 90's rom-com sitting in a loft ordering chinese take-out for me and my eclectic roommate thinking about the boy I met in the laundromat an hour earlier.

Sitting on a bench watching the autumn leaves fall to my feet, strategizing just how I am going to step on all the crunchy ones.

Checking out an old library book.

Talking outside in the summer nights with nothing but a tanktop and shorts on.

These make me feel like everything is okay.

These make me feel like anything is possible and the whole entire day is mine to just live every movie I have ever seen and dreamt of starring in. To live by every soundtrack I have listened to in hopes of living a life characterized by those perfectly selected indie tunes.

When it comes down to it, simplicity makes me happy.

As of right now, my life is a chaotic whirlwind with only a few moments of a calm breeze to balance out my week.

I want my life to be simple again. I want to live in the breeze.

So, what will you do? Peer out from behind the curtains and smile, or will you continue your pattern of memorizing each and every line to make sure you never miss a cue.

...for the Fearful

"The best years of my life I was a fool to give to you"

In the words of Adelaide in Guys and Dolls, fear consumed the best years of my life, those of which being the majority of my high school career and today of all days, I was reminded of that very fear.

Whether it was the heat I was immersed in or the hundreds of theatre people I was surrounded by, I took my experience at Theatrefest as one of learning. Yes, I scoured the CSULB lawn for an ounce of sanity, hoping to find it in my ipod or at least one straight guy throwing a football, but when all I could do was witness the flash mob of YMCA, my mind started wandering.

To say the least, Guys and Dolls was on my mind and the soundtrack was playing on repeat in my head. Leave it up to me to find a hidden meaning in the hot box girl's defiant lyrics.

As I played over the duet between Adelaide and Nathan, I recognized a comparison to their dysfunctional relationship and my ever-growing fear.

Today at Theatrefest, I walked past cross-dressers and clowns, refused to take part in the "spirit activities" of picking up trash, and switched my guydar on full blast in hopes of finding someone to flirt with. But through all that chaos, I still found time to be reminded of a fear that consumed me this past summer.

We all go through different life experiences yet we all seem to share the base feelings and emotions; one of which, is fear. For me, fear comes from people leaving.

What I battled through this past summer was realizing that my fear of people leaving ultimately led to my destruction, causing me to pull away from every and anything good in a relationship, in hopes of never having to reach the point of being so

in love with,

enamored by,

closed linked,

wildly impressed,

or forever attached to someone, and in such a place of comfort, only to have that safety stripped of me, leaving me alone with the preconceived notion that people always leave.

My doubts have seemingly been the only reason something so great turns to something so messy and jaded.

It's funny, really. And quite a contradiction.

That my fear of people leaving ultimately leads to a reality of people gone?

Why do we succumb to the expectations presented to us by our fears?

When will we allow ourselves to break the rules and dare our fears, face to face?

It has been said that the only thing to fear is fear itself, but I would argue to take that a step further. Fear itself if you want to look at it straight on, is a pretty frightening concept. But turn it around or view it's profile image, and you see things you may have never seen before. The inner-workings of where that fear came from or the side effects of never facing those fears are hard to see on the front cover, but read the pages and it all becomes so clear.

Yes, fear itself is frightening, but if you take the time to dissect that fear, it becomes nothing more that a puzzle to solve.

The bully who steals the underclassmen's lunches reads "Tough Guy" on the front cover, but open to chapter one and is starts to unfold that his dad is out of the picture and he is forced to be the head of the house, with nothing but the fear of seeming weak to weigh him down.

The comedian who reads "Optimist" as this week's best seller may really be the younger sibling of the perfect child, so she relies on her personality to hide her fear of seeming imperfect; not skinny enough, not bright enough, not pretty enough.

Or for me, the extracurricular junkie who reads "Well Rehearsed" across the front cover, to really reveal an actress who is semi-acquainted with half the school and keeps it that way to keep her relationships simple because of her fear of people leaving.

I could be off on the notions, and I could be looking too much into things.

But what if I'm not? What if behind every cover there were pages and pages of uncovered information about your peers, your family, and even yourself?

In today's society, we have typed up a title to allow others to read and have left it at that. We have let ourselves believe that the pages are blank and all there is to fall back on is the two or three words plastering the front cover. It saddens me that we have let ourselves become bystanders to our own lives. We have mentally erased the pages written and have vaguely typed up a few new ones in hopes of seeming a little more put together than we truly are.

So what will you do? Will you obey your fears and erase the pages already written, or will you double-dog dare them and continue writing until your fear becomes nothing more than a chapter in your book.

::John 6:37::

...for the Joyful

Look Up.

One of the best pieces of advice I have ever received.

It seems a tad arbitrary to just look up, but if you really go into depth about those two simple words, it will unravel a moment of overwhelming comfort which just today brought me close to tears.

In this chaotic life, it seems as though simple moments are pushed to the side.

Family dinners, a few minutes of silence, or even a second or two to glance up above are a few of life's simple pleasures that have slipped away through the hands of our generation.

Over my four years in high school, I have found that each year I get older and older, the less and less of these moments I allow myself to soak in, and that scares me.

It scares me that at 18 years old, I have my whole life ahead of me and on the path that I'm on, the only parts of my life I'll be living are the scheduled events and commitments I have racked up, unable to trade them in for a coupon labeled "day of nothing. take a breath."

Crying alone in my room last night, failure could most definitely be a valid word to describe the bulk of my emotions. Right as I was about to grab for the tissue box, a friendly facebook chat grabbed my attention. In the sea of words, all I needed to fish for was Look Up. Frustrated, bitter, and determined to do one thing right, I looked up at my ceiling and broke into even more tears of frustration.

Today though, that piece of advice was greeted with tears of another sort. Tears filled with emotions I hadn't experienced in weeks. As I got out of my car, I remembered these words. Standing in the middle of my street, I followed the directions and the reaction was one I wasn't expecting.

Joy beat through my heart and welled up in my eyes.

The simplicity of nothingness and the ability to feel as small as a grain of sand was something that sent my mind spinning.

Why do we ignore the simplicity around us and allow ourselves to be controlled by our schedules?

I forgot joy could come from such a simple action.

I have found that the hardest road to take is often the one most traveled when it comes to our work load.

If I join sport A, college B will accept me.

If I stay at the gym X minutes longer, boy Y will like me more.

If I never say no, my life will be easier at some point.

Well, when is that point?

Is it ever really reached?

No, I beg to differ.

By stretching yourself too thin, you get sucked into the mindset that free time is a waste of time.

I have been living my life with the idea that I am worthless, useless, and stagnant unless I am always on the go, always adding more miles to my road travelled, and never having to feel the weight of failure at the nearest turn pike to grab a bite to eat and take a breath of fresh air.

So, what will you do?

Get out of your car, Look Up and experience a moment of free time, or will you continue down the road, never taking the nearest exit in fear of wasting time that could be better spent getting you closer and closer to your destination of Nowhere.

...for the Defeated

My youth pastor recently said to me that the day after doing something huge for God, it's normal to feel overwhelmed and short-tempered. This past Saturday I lived those emotions which I took as completely normal. What I fear isn't normal though, is the realization that these emotions have yet to pass.

Ever since last Friday night, it feels as though my life has taken a turn into a rapid downward spiral.

This last week posed many challenges I was hoping to avoid.

Challenges involving my future.

Challenges involving my conscious.

Challenges that have left me feeling defeated and empty.

Rather than walking through a week of acceptance with a bright light to guide me, I found myself constricted in a blanket stitched with rejection and false hopes.

rejection and false hopes.

Emotions I am in all honesty not too familiar with in most aspects of my life.

When it comes to boys, rejection is almost always prominent, almost as prominent as the false hope of getting an A on my math quiz.

College acceptance letters on the other hand, have up until a few days ago, always left me with a little less weight on my shoulders and another gold star to add to the collection.

It all feels like a thunderstorm, instantaneous and ruthless, although I am sure this has been quite a climactic build for a few months now, creeping up every night, camouflaging itself as dew on blades of grass and damp parking lots in the mornings.

It all feels like a thunderstorm, because I have finally let the umbrella go.

These past five months have been filled with to-do lists, meetings, weekly drives to print shops and high schools, and the never-ending beckon of "urgent" e-mails. With all of this to get done, I was able to shield myself from the rain, keeping an umbrella at a safe distance for those moments of hesitation.

I reached for my umbrella a few days ago and found a rejection letter instead.

My umbrella was supposed to shield me from that disappointment and protect me from the truth. Shoved away in the back of my closet, it only left me stranded, choosing to desert me when all I needed was a false hope.

I feel as though we are set up to fail at a very early age.

Your dance recital always goes well, as long as there is enough licorice and hairspray backstage.

You ace almost every vocabulary test since over half the words are on laminated posters on the wall.

And no matter what, your parents always tell you that you will go far in life, the world is our oyster, and we can be whoever we want to be.

To me, this presents a false hope to act as a padding through the bumpy walks of life.

I wasn't supposed to be rejected, my mom told me I was going to go far.

I wasn't supposed to be rejected, my uncle went to that school.

I wasn't supposed to be rejected, ASB Presidents are supposed to be safe.

I wasn't supposed to be rejected, but there is no way to deny that I was.

I know I can't go through life expecting to avoid rejection, it is just really hard to handle at times.

My umbrella wont always be there to protect me from the rain, but if I let go and set it aside, I may come to realize that the drizzle up above isn't as bad as I made myself believe.

So what will you do?

Keep your umbrella at your side in fear of a light sprinkle, or will you let go and allow yourself to dance in the rain?

...for the Peeved

Gym Etiquette.

Is it so much to ask that you go to the gym for one reason?

To work out.

The gym is a safe-haven, a place where you can improve your fitness and focus on one thing.

It is NOT a place for multitasking. It may quite possibly be the only time and place in your life where multi-tasking is a definite no. Besides church.

Multitasking is not always necessary.

There are things you should do at the gym and things you should really try your hardest to avoid. While trying to be productive tonight as I was working out, I couldn't help but become preoccupied with staring at the few people who easily demonstrated a long list of "no-no's".

For example...

I was feeling a little more bottom-heavy than usual today, so I decided to waltz on over to the leg machines. As my friend and I were picking out which machine to do, we rested our eyes on the perfect one; you know, the one where you sit down and you press a ton of weight while bending your knees? I don't know the politically correct term. Anyways, before we took a step closer we saw a woman just resting on the machine. Reading a magazine. Excuse me, reading Glamour magazine, a not-so-easy read that requires your full attention for articles that teach you how to pick out the perfect lip gloss for your skin tone and how to stay safe in dark alleys. I gave her the up-down and we proceed to stare for another 8 seconds or so in awe of her activity of choice. Maddy and I were determined to tone-up and get swoll and our plans took a turn for the worst when this woman decided to multitask during our precious gym time.

To make matters even worse, right when we turn our gaze to another leg machine, this younger couple is using it. But not only are they "using" the machine, they are flirting and kissing in between sets. Not to mention, the girl had her hair down. EVERYONE knows you don't work out with your hair down. Valentine's Day is 4 days away, please save the PDA for Monday, or at least wait until you leave the gym. At this point, Maddy and I were peeved to say the least. Single girls with no form of reading material to keep us busy while waiting for our machines, we had looks of disgust imprinted on our faces.

Finally we were able to work out, but not in peace as we had hoped. High pitched laughter echoed right behind me and as we both slowly turned our heads, we saw the perfect example of inappropriate gym etiquette. Two 8th grade girls wearing skin-tight roxy spandex and see-through tops held instructions for every machine in their hands as they flipped their long hair out of their faces. SINCE IT WAS DOWN. They were checking themselves out in the mirror, allowing themselves to be consumed by the middle school mindset that you truly believed being picked up in a gym was possible. Maddy and I shared a quick laugh and a roll of the eyes and decided that we had extended our welcome in the weight room. But to top it off, as we were gathering our car keys and mandatory towels, an older mad possibly in his late-50s was walking in our direction.

This man's outfit of choice consisted of those weird frog-like water booties, a skin-tight maroon under armor tanktop and a pair of long spandex zipper leggings to complete his ensemble. I don't think I need to further explain where the gym etiquette was lacking.

To say the least, I could have been much more productive tonight.

My point through this whole rant though, is this:

Living in such a busy world where texting, taking class notes, and eating an apple all at the same time have become normalcies, we tend to forget the simple things in life.

Being able to just stick your earphones in and work out.

Being able to have a face-to-face conversation without any distractions.

Being able to take a breathe every once in a while and realize that life doesn't always have to move as fast as we have let ourselves believe.

So what will you do?

Read a magazine and attempt to work out?

Or will you stick in your earphones and focus on those leg workouts you have been looking forward to all day.

...for the Guarded

Maybe I'll just stay busy. Maybe I'll just exercise a lot. Maybe I'll just do everything but sit here and think about my flaw.

My flaw that has ruined relationships and refuses to allow me to grow.

My flaw that has consumed me these past few weeks.

I am guarded.

I fear proximity.

I crave relationships.

I grieve mistakes.

Sometimes I just want to leave.

To open up a bookstore in a little boat town. To go to a new school with an accent. To live a completely different life than the one I've been living. Instead, I'm stuck in this life and I don't know how to happily stay here at the moment. This isn't a children's book you can buy on a kindle, where you can escape to a world where paste covered fingers and battling imaginary dragons are your only problems. Instead, we have to face our own dragons. No knight in shining armor or dinner time to save the day. Just you, the dragon, and your toilet paper roll sword.

My dragons have been winning the battles lately.

My dragons have been breathing fire lined with doubt and laced with regret.

My toilet paper sword bends when it hits the shield guarding my dragons and unfortunately, the only guard I have is the one I've put up.

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Proverbs 4:23

I know this to be true, but I don't know why I have to follow it so literally.

I could rattle off a list of "i hopes" and "i wishes" but that won't get me anywhere but hoping and wishing to turn back time and fix what's been done. Instead I want to start rattling off lists of "i can" and "i will"

I can open up to someone I love.

I can guard my heart yet show and receive compassion from those around me.

I will live in the present and move away from dwelling in the past.

And I will fight my dragons with a terry cloth cape and an aluminum foil shield, and be very successful at that.