...for the Lost

Nashville, Tennessee.

Not the first place you would think to be your safe haven, huh?

I used to visit my aunt's house in Tennessee all the time when I was younger, and her house lied on top of this giant hill. Walking through her backyard, I would explore through the ins and outs of what this property used to be. An old chicken coop nestled between tall trees rested untouched across from a dried up well, an abandoned shack, aged with dirt and rust, was visible only a few yards away. Farther down the hill, I found myself constantly stumbling upon an old garden. A cobblestone walkway lined the forgotten earth that at one point was full of life, covered in roses, but has now been taken over by weeds. Walking along the path, I would kick up the fall leaves that were a cover to my own imagination. I would be lost for hours in the hopes of never having to be found. Of never having to go back to the life I had been so horribly misplaced in.

That house was my secret garden. That house was my escape.

::The secret garden is always open now. Open, and awake, and alive. If you look the right way, you can see that the whole world is a garden.::

Lately I've been looking for a place to call my own.

In the daze of college applications and any other stresses that have been thrown my way recently, I've been craving a quiet place. A safe-haven where I can just escape the real world and get lost in the imaginary utopia of simplicity. If anything, I think that is what I crave. Simplicity.

Why does it take an escape to get us to feel alive? Why have we disregarded the secret garden that makes up the world around us?

The simplicity of life disappeared once crayons turned into pencils. You had to make decisions based off of choices that were best for you. Somewhere along the lines we traded in our play dough and tinker tots and while we did so, we abandoned a piece of ourselves. We let the memory of a simpler time slip away from us.

I've been finding it hard to find "that place" for myself. No matter where I go it never seems to be good enough or fulfill whatever it is I'm looking for at the moment. That kills me. To think that this magical place is actual only a dream and that I may never be able to escape the trap I've created for myself that is made up of schedules and to-do lists.

I want to find my secret garden, but I don't want to have to search for it when it is realistically somewhere around me. In the mix of things, we often times forget that simplicity and solitude is right around the corner. You don't have to go to or a forest or an abandoned cottage to find a safe-haven. It can be the door shut to your room, or your headphones in while you journal. It can even be as simple as a drive alone in your car.

I've fallen victim to forgetting this. I think it's the fact that since those options are so convenient, they for some reason lose their spark. The magic you can find while being lost 20 miles away is completely different that whatever you try to conjure up when you need an escape from your daily life.

I want to say I can break this cycle, but I don't quite know if I can.

That's not to say that you can't, though.

Break the cycle and find your secret garden.

For all you know, it's two steps away.

What will you choose to do? Follow my lead of doubt and hopefulness for this place I may never attain, or be the creator of your own escape. One where you can get lost and never be found.

...for the Insecure

Yesterday I had the opportunity to spend the morning with one of my best friends picking up trash along the waters of Huntington Beach. Even though it was only 8:00 in the morning, the sun was beating down on our backs, so we decided to pull a middle school move and tie our sweatshirts around our waists. We were definitely the bells of the ball that day.I looked over to my left and saw my friend Kellie admiring her shadow in the sand. She pointed out to me how much she loved her shadow considering it is always a skinnier, taller version than our actual self. And for little 5'1 Kellie, she always strives to be a little taller.

As I was looking at my own shadow, a thought raced through my mind:

What if our own shadow is the way everyone else views us, but the image we are faced to see daily in the mirror is how we perceive ourselves?

In the world that we live in, with photo-shopped images and new-age diets, it is hard to view yourself as a beautiful individual. I just don't understand who decided that the body that we live in isn't up to par with some far-off out of this world standard. Where is the standard? Where does it start, where does it even end? Is it a size 0, is it hips, is it blue eyes and black hair, how are we supposed to know?

No, here's the real question. Why do we want to know.

As a teenager who is far away from a size zero but is surrounded by them daily, it's hard to see myself as a beautiful individual. I wake up in the morning, glance at myself in the mirror, and run out the door with confidence and grace only to arrive at school ignoring any shred of self-confidence I stepped out with only minutes earlier.

Is it sad that I truly do love my shadow, perhaps even more than I love myself? I'd say so. I'd also say that I am definitely not alone in this thought process.

I want that to change.

So, who the hell says it can't?

Because I SAY IT CAN.

What will you choose to do? Wrap yourself up in the net of distortion that society has trapped us in, or will you break free from the conformity and look at yourself the way everyone else sees you: as your own beautifully crafted shadow.

Love yourself. You were made too uniquely not to and you live too short to disregard that.

Psalm 45:11

The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord

...for the Contemplator

A life was lost today.

And at the moment when Woodbridge High School realized that they will never be able to laugh with Mr. Bentley again, things changed. The weather shifted, and schedules were shattered. Everyone realized that that could have been anyone. A loved one of their own, an acquaintance, a friend, or mentor.

Tell me why.

Why does something so sudden and so short have to impact the lives of so many others?

Quite frankly, it's not fair. It's not fair that one accident can purposefully damage so many other things. And I use purposefully intentionally. You can't go through life thinking you are unstoppable. Things will harm you, road blocks will get in your way, and you will start to realize that the life you thought you were living, the one filled to the fullest and the one that you thought was indestructible, is nothing more than a bird's nest. Sturdy for the moment, carrying so much life in such a small space. But once the wind comes and knocks it down, all that you're left with is twigs and string.

I didn't have the opportunity to really know Mr. Bentley. I would pass him in the halls, always smiling or in a rush, but that was the extent of our relationship.

It's interesting, really.

Someone is gone and suddenly you regret not really knowing them. The luxury of comfortability is gone. They aren't there everyday and it doesn't really hit you until everyday...turns to never again.

I don't want to live like this.

I don't want to live it a world where short-term turns to long-term and forever and a day turns to a day. Sadly, I do. And sadly, that won't change. What can change though, is our outlook on the life we've been living.

No matter how we word it, or how many ways you think about it, the fact of the matter is, things happen that change your life. Dramatically.

As much as I want to be able to, I can't even begin to fix that. Neither can anyone else out there, no matter how hard we try. We can't change the event, but we can change the result.

So, what will you do?

Let the traumatic effects of one event tear our nest to pieces, or will you grab the sticks and will you grab the twine and reshape your life in a way that remembers that moment in time and uses it to improve of the life you thought you were living.

...for the Optimist

[consumer's warning: contents in this entry may be subject to strong negative opinions. These only reflect the outlook and experiences of one person. Read it or not, agree or disagree, but keep in mind you have been warned.]

I feel like everything in life needs a warning label nowadays. From people's opinions to the bag holding a snuggie, no one is ever fully satisfied with what is placed in front of them.

I was walking through the hall just the other day and I saw two things in one passing period that I really wish I didn't have to see.

1. A snuggie with not one, but two people wrapped inside of it

2. An extremely awkward freshman couple where the girl is a good 6 inches taller than the guy and they haven't quite reached the "hand-holding" phase yet, so they're walking with their arms over each other's shoulders. Classic move.

Now imagine mixing those things together. Being someone who refuses to wear a snuggie, this is something I have surprisingly attempted and witnessed way more than once, and in one of the most unconventional ways possible.

Dating in high school is a backwards robe. It's none other than fulfillment in disguise--a snuggie.

My friend Lexi told me this a few weeks ago when we were catching up on boys (what else is there to talk about in Irvine?) over some coffee and I thought it perfectly described not only my decisions, but the decisions of so many of my friends.

You can call it whatever you want, but it's all the same; a hook-up, a thing, dating, going out, going steady, hanging out, friends with benefits. No matter what you label it, it's none other than two people who are on a journey to try and figure out their lives. The only thing is, they're doing it together.

As a hopeless romantic, I've fallen victim many times to indie love songs, Taylor Swift's way too relatable lyrics, and the inevitable teen series books that almost every high school girl reads.

Quite frankly, I'm over it.

I've tried it before and I know I'll try it again, but I don't like this dead end process.

Meet, exchange phone numbers, text for a bit, hang out a few times, maybe a date or two, and that's it. For some reason it is so hard for me to move past that acquaintance stage and onto something deeper and more meaningful.

::i'm perfectly lonely because i don't belong to anyone therefore no one belongs to me::

John Mayer puts it perfectly in words that I always have trouble believing.

Maybe I'm terrified of commitment or genuinely am content being alone right now, who knows. For some reason I can't let myself go any farther that the surface even if I really want to.

Maybe that's a sign.

A sign that anything I'm even attempting in high school is nothing but a sheep in wolf's clothing. A bad decision disguised in the idea that being with someone always means happiness. Because for some reason, a majority of us automatically assume that solitude connects with loneliness. For some people, including myself, that may be the case.

Now you could be the the other kind of high school dater. The kind that gets into relationships because that is what feels...right. At the moment at least. You date and keep going through the motions of this pointless relationship all for the short-term fulfillment of feeling wanted.

I'm going to go holy roller on you all for a second.

I strongly believe that the reason we all put ourselves through short-term fulfillment is because we are not getting it in greater aspects of our life. Whether that be at home, with friends, a boyfriend, or Christ, we feel the need to overcompensate for the lack of love. What I've discovered through my own struggles with acceptance is this--

The short-term love leaves you with a long-term self-loathing.

I feel stupid for letting myself succumb to something so low. A boy leaves my sight and all that I am left with is more insecurities and a stronger desire to do whatever it takes to get rid of that feeling as fast as I can. My relationship with God is a roller coaster. I have my ups and downs, and on those downs, I lack a strong relationship with Christ in my life. Therefore I do what I can to feel the way I do when I'm on those highs.

Dating in high school is a backwards robe.

But why does it have to be?

The hopeless romantic in me may be pushing through, but who says we even have to do that to ourselves? I don't want to follow the norm.

I know what I want, do you?

I can't tell you what decision to make or what type of guy to go after, but I can tell you this--

Deep down, you know what you want. It's up to you to be strong enough in your convictions and comfortable enough in yourself to follow through with those desires and think only about one person. YOURSELF. BE selfish, BE picky, and only go after exactly what you have in mind.

...for the Thinker

Act 1. Scene 1.

Character is slightly out of touch with her true opinions and is used to living vicariously through a pen and paper before uttering a single word. Teenager, curly mess of hair, and appears confident in front of a crowd. She approaches what she believes is a podium, but is really none other than a group of friends.

I wouldn't be wrong in saying this is basically what would happen if my life were truly a play. (For the record, yes, I AM "one of those theatre kids" who imagines her life is being taped like the Truman Show). But on a realistic note, this is something I struggle with daily.

I go through my day living life scripted and censored rather than uncensored and unscripted.

The worst part is, I'm not the only one who lives like this.

For those of you who are thinking to themselves, A. why am I reading this? and B. what does she even mean by this?, I will gladly fill you in.

As someone who loves talking in front of large crowds of people, I find myself easily mixing the worlds of public speaking and simple conversation. My "people-pleaser" side, if you will, always has to please the closest ear that is willing to hear whatever I have to say. In doing this, I lose myself and my true opinions; I start to pre-plan, re-word, and copy and paste sentences in conversations where first impressions are no longer needed. This doesn't just happen in conversations, but I find it spilling over and onto other aspects of my life. I censor my opinions and keep to myself just because I fear sounding incompetent or inferior in the eyes of a potential nay-sayer.

Why?

Why do we let ourselves fall short of our own expectations in order to go above and beyond everyone else's?

Why do we choose to lose ourselves in the masses and pick safety over the risk of letting someone know how we really feel?

These doubts start to swirl around in your head and all you're left with is pages and pages of pre-thought convictions that have been etched into your mind to assure that no toes have been stepped on that day and that as you walk away from that "podium", the only thing people are thinking about is how perfectly constructed your sentences were and how easily the words flow out of your mouth.

So as I deal with ripping apart the pages and repressing the lines in my own script, I want to leave you with this-

Your life is what you choose to make it and you have the choice everyday to mad-lib and improvise your way through conversations and experiences or to rehearse lines you've already written.

Take a risk. Live life unscripted.

...for the Overachiever

From a very young age we have always been told "you can be whatever you want to be; life is your canvas, no one can paint it but you."

Well, some of us hear these things and start to join more extracurriculars: sports, arts, leadership, and in the end, all you've accomplished is a little bit of each.

How to throw a football, but not how to run a play.

How to shuffle-ball-change until your toes blister, but not how to dance on point. How to run a school, but not how to have a social life.

Soon, this word of advice becomes the sole reason your neatly wrapped up life has been pulled apart and unraveled like a ball of yarn.

One of the most profound statements I have ever heard, came from a leadership camp I recently attended. The speaker, Jill Esplin, simply told us to be fully present.

Be. Fully. Present. It was right then and there that everything in life was put into perspective. Three simple words carved out exactly how I wanted to be living my life. And as simple as it all seemed, it suddenly sparked this anxious fear in me that screamed "all you are is FAILURE."

Nothing I accomplished seemed right or important. I took a step back and looked into the life I created for myself. I tried so hard in high school to be friends with everybody and to always be that one girl that everyone knew. Approaching senior year I realized that this recognition I so badly craved was nothing but a wolf in sheep's clothing. Yes, I know a good amount of people, and yes I have different groups of friends, but at the end of the day, I'm isolated, wondering where I fit in once the mingling has worn out.

I've never really had a chance call myself apart of one group. I wanted to be everywhere, with everyone, all at the same time, and all I got from that was dropping by, saying hello, and moving on to my next location.

Being all that I wanted to be ruined me. I have to be the best, I have to succeed, I have to do this, and that, and know him, or her.

What is the price of that though?

What do you end up costing yourself in return for a few golden moments with a few people you were acquainted with?

The cost of your short-lived success varies for each person. I can't tell you what my neighbor down the street gave up, or even if she had to give up anything. But I can tell you this:

The price I tagged my success for, was losing relationships.

Family members and friends so easily became faint memories that were replaced by ASB meetings and play practice.

I walked into high school wanting to be that girl who could sit on a bench and know everyone that walked up to her.

I don't want to leave high school being that girl who sat on the bench alone, watching all of her acquaintances walk on by.

Be. Fully. Present.

Three words I plan on using to completely demolish the life I thought I so badly wanted.

What will you choose do to?

Be a guest in the lives of those who matter to you, or be fully present in whatever you choose.