...for the Rescuer

Sometimes I wish I could rescue the world.

I wish I had enough power to determine what could and could not happen.

I wish I could stop rain from causing car accidents and adultery from causing broken homes.

But since I have none of the power or the abilities to stop any of this from happening, I only wish one thing.

I wish I could rescue those I love. I wish I had all the answers.

It is so hard for me to sit back and listen to every hardship going on in people's lives and not be able to form the right words. That is truly something I fear and I desperately try to reword and rephrase and preplan and prescript until I know the right answer. I get so lost in the right answer that I forget that there doesn't always need to be a right answer.

I have a hard time listening and not intervening. When I hear pain and when I hear a sense of being lost in the words of those I'm listening to, I want to be able to say

"It's alright, everything will be just fine. Just breathe."

And be able to rattle off this to-do list of how to make it better.

Unfortunately, there is more to fixing problems than breathing. I can't prevent that rain from making you slip but I just wish I could stand there with an umbrella, ready to rescue you from the cold.

I was recently told that to be a good friend and a strong support system, I have to let others figure out their problems on their own. Not finish sentences for them or reword their thoughts so it is easier to comprehend to the general group of people, but to just sit. To just sit and listen and identify internally with their feelings and emotions.

That is all I am allowed to do and I want to be able to have the ability to do just that.

I may have the abilities to lead and to teach, but I so easily let those consume my actions and decisions. I never allow myself to sit and think and not have the answer, because for some odd reason I feel that without an answer, without a response, the time spent talking to me was a waste.

I want to be able to rescue those I love and have every right answer.

But, I don't.

And I shouldn't be able to have that power.

I just want to be able to have the power to sit and listen, to be vulnerable and supportive.

What will you do?

Constantly be carrying the umbrella in hopes of preventing a storm, or will you set that aside and dance in the rain, accepting that the right answers may come without any words at all.

...for the Childish

In 2nd grade I had the biggest 8-year-old crush on the cutest kid at Smokey Row Elementary; Nick Oliver.

It just recently struck me how I used to handle this crush I had on him. Trying to repress this memory obviously, I came to remember a very vivid picture in my head of me picking up the phone directory, flipping to the Oliver Family page, and dialing his home phone number only to hang up whenever his mom answered. What compelled me to do this I couldn't even tell you, but what I can tell you is how it doesn't cease to amaze me how oddly I functioned. How back then, as a skinny 8-year-old girl, I couldn't muster up the courage to talk to the boy in my class, and how now I find myself functioning that same exact way.

Old habits die hard I guess.

Waiting until Valentine's Day to slip a specially made valentine in his doily-covered box or playing kick ball with him and the guys were my subtle ways of hoping he would come to class one day and kiss me as we were taking off our snow boots by our cubbies.

As much as I want to say how much I have changed and how confident I have become, I find myself doing the same exact thing with the same exact mindset. No matter what happened or how my confidence was boosted that day, I still walk away thinking,

If only this happened...

Well, I'm tired of living in the "if only" fantasies and want to surround myself in the "i can't believe" realities.

Why is it, that at nearly 18 years old, I still find myself walking away from a situation muttering "if only I did this..."?

If only I smiled at him then maybe we would be talking.

Somehow I convince myself that everything is awkward the next day even when nothing even remotely happened. I still get jittery when I see a boy I like and it takes so much for me to get myself to utter a hello when they walk by. Instead of saying "if only", I wish I said "i can't believe we just had a laughing contest in the library" because I decided to take a risk rather than let the opportunity pass me by.

I tend to live life in a fantasy world, relying on my imagination to compensate for my lack of spontaneity in certain situations and I am bothered by that.

I understand being socially awkward at age 8, but to be walking into my senior year of high school with not even the slightest idea of how to talk to the boy I sit in front of and have a major crush on, well, that's when I have to stop and wonder.

When in life did I decide that this was ok?

When in life did I decide that other people's opinions could determine my actions throughout the day?

I want to be able to walk away from each scenario I place myself in and say "WOW, I can't believe that just happened", eager to start the next day with that same attitude.

So what will you do?

Live your life in the "if only" mindset, or take a risk each day, living life without the fear of regretting a decision you decided not to make, just because you convinced yourself that the risk simply wasn't worth it.

...for the Stumped

Earlier today I opened a text message that read I was too defensive.

My initial response was "NO I'M NOT. That's ridiculous." But, wouldn't that just prove the original point being made?

I can't deny the fact that I take life too seriously at times, but there are instances where being defensive is probably the best thing to do. FOR EXAMPLE.

I was enjoying a nice appetizer at BJ's fine restaurant with my best friend and our two guys friends. As I took a bite out of a delicious(yet regretfully filling) chicken tender, my compassionate friend Justin proceeded to comment on my weight, jokingly of course. The waiter came and asked us if we wanted anything else. I, fuming at this point, told her we could use a muzzle for the boy sitting across from me.

That. Is a good reason to be defensive.

Yet other situations such as a foul ball in a baseball game or a yo mama joke are purely ridiculous reasons to fight back.

Here is the burning question though...

How do you defend yourself when someone calls you defensive?

I was daydreaming while washing my hair in the shower earlier tonight(like I do on most occasions) and was contemplating my response to this statement.

I obviously can't rebuttal in the most obvious of ways, or else their point is proven. Yet, if I sit back and fail to respond, then I have let them perceive me in a way that is far away from my actual personality.

So you can see where I am trapped.

In any situation, you are forced to pick option A or option B. Few times do you have option A pt.1...unfortunately life doesn't always work in the in-between areas.

This goes for college applications and get-to-know you conversations as well. You write "my parents are divorced" or "my grades suck" but they don't see the in-between answers that make up the story line. No one sees the "i am a stronger person because of this brokenness" or "i am involved in 17 extra-curriculars".

Just in the way you can't give in-between answers in all aspects of life, you can't possibly give an in-between answer in defending your defensiveness.

What will you choose to do?

Be labeled as option A or option B, or work to change society's belief that in-between answers cannot always be used.

...for the Unstable

I need stability in my life.

I've been uprooted in the life I've been living and am left holding nothing but weeds and a fear of never being able to grow again.The fact is,

I'm lost and all I want is to be rooted in something bigger than the life I'm living.

I'm bitter and confused and have lost any control I thought I may have had. It seems as though people always leave and it's a vicious cycle I've been stuck in the middle of since before I had the ability to know what that felt like.

I want to have a relationship with someone, anyone, past a few months.

People leave and start a new journey on a different path they've been called to take, and I get that.

I just don't get why change has to mean the loss of relationships.

Whether we want to believe it or not, the fact of the matter is that through any change, there is going to be a shift in a relationship. Your small group leader may be moved to a different part of the church, your friends may find things out about you that you had wanted to keep a secret, or you intentionally put yourself in a situation that belittles you in the worst way. No matter what the change is, you're affecting some sort of connection you have had with someone.

Not only are you affecting someone else, but you're affecting the relationship you have within yourself. Through this confusion and doubt I judge myself more than any other person might. I feel hypocritical, I feel weak, I feel unwanted. I feel like the late start I've had in so many areas of my life is always going to hinder me from fully being caught up with the rest of my social circle.

In hard situations, just like in my relationships, I find that my thoughts are chopped and scattered. In the midst of a lacking stability in my own life, I lack the ability to be rooted in my own thoughts and tend to give generic responses.

"I am SO glad to hear that. I'm so happy for you."

"Great, let's talk later."

I don't want to be that person.

Right now though, I am.

I'm lost and scared and have lost control of stability.

Unfortunately I have no words of optimism for this situation I'm in.

Unfortunately I can't see what lies ahead of me for this road I'm on.

Unfortunately I've been uprooted.

Unfortunately, this vicious circle never ends.

Fortunately, the circle goes around and leaves me time to replant and reroot the damage that's been done.

...for the Lost

Nashville, Tennessee.

Not the first place you would think to be your safe haven, huh?

I used to visit my aunt's house in Tennessee all the time when I was younger, and her house lied on top of this giant hill. Walking through her backyard, I would explore through the ins and outs of what this property used to be. An old chicken coop nestled between tall trees rested untouched across from a dried up well, an abandoned shack, aged with dirt and rust, was visible only a few yards away. Farther down the hill, I found myself constantly stumbling upon an old garden. A cobblestone walkway lined the forgotten earth that at one point was full of life, covered in roses, but has now been taken over by weeds. Walking along the path, I would kick up the fall leaves that were a cover to my own imagination. I would be lost for hours in the hopes of never having to be found. Of never having to go back to the life I had been so horribly misplaced in.

That house was my secret garden. That house was my escape.

::The secret garden is always open now. Open, and awake, and alive. If you look the right way, you can see that the whole world is a garden.::

Lately I've been looking for a place to call my own.

In the daze of college applications and any other stresses that have been thrown my way recently, I've been craving a quiet place. A safe-haven where I can just escape the real world and get lost in the imaginary utopia of simplicity. If anything, I think that is what I crave. Simplicity.

Why does it take an escape to get us to feel alive? Why have we disregarded the secret garden that makes up the world around us?

The simplicity of life disappeared once crayons turned into pencils. You had to make decisions based off of choices that were best for you. Somewhere along the lines we traded in our play dough and tinker tots and while we did so, we abandoned a piece of ourselves. We let the memory of a simpler time slip away from us.

I've been finding it hard to find "that place" for myself. No matter where I go it never seems to be good enough or fulfill whatever it is I'm looking for at the moment. That kills me. To think that this magical place is actual only a dream and that I may never be able to escape the trap I've created for myself that is made up of schedules and to-do lists.

I want to find my secret garden, but I don't want to have to search for it when it is realistically somewhere around me. In the mix of things, we often times forget that simplicity and solitude is right around the corner. You don't have to go to or a forest or an abandoned cottage to find a safe-haven. It can be the door shut to your room, or your headphones in while you journal. It can even be as simple as a drive alone in your car.

I've fallen victim to forgetting this. I think it's the fact that since those options are so convenient, they for some reason lose their spark. The magic you can find while being lost 20 miles away is completely different that whatever you try to conjure up when you need an escape from your daily life.

I want to say I can break this cycle, but I don't quite know if I can.

That's not to say that you can't, though.

Break the cycle and find your secret garden.

For all you know, it's two steps away.

What will you choose to do? Follow my lead of doubt and hopefulness for this place I may never attain, or be the creator of your own escape. One where you can get lost and never be found.

...for the Insecure

Yesterday I had the opportunity to spend the morning with one of my best friends picking up trash along the waters of Huntington Beach. Even though it was only 8:00 in the morning, the sun was beating down on our backs, so we decided to pull a middle school move and tie our sweatshirts around our waists. We were definitely the bells of the ball that day.I looked over to my left and saw my friend Kellie admiring her shadow in the sand. She pointed out to me how much she loved her shadow considering it is always a skinnier, taller version than our actual self. And for little 5'1 Kellie, she always strives to be a little taller.

As I was looking at my own shadow, a thought raced through my mind:

What if our own shadow is the way everyone else views us, but the image we are faced to see daily in the mirror is how we perceive ourselves?

In the world that we live in, with photo-shopped images and new-age diets, it is hard to view yourself as a beautiful individual. I just don't understand who decided that the body that we live in isn't up to par with some far-off out of this world standard. Where is the standard? Where does it start, where does it even end? Is it a size 0, is it hips, is it blue eyes and black hair, how are we supposed to know?

No, here's the real question. Why do we want to know.

As a teenager who is far away from a size zero but is surrounded by them daily, it's hard to see myself as a beautiful individual. I wake up in the morning, glance at myself in the mirror, and run out the door with confidence and grace only to arrive at school ignoring any shred of self-confidence I stepped out with only minutes earlier.

Is it sad that I truly do love my shadow, perhaps even more than I love myself? I'd say so. I'd also say that I am definitely not alone in this thought process.

I want that to change.

So, who the hell says it can't?

Because I SAY IT CAN.

What will you choose to do? Wrap yourself up in the net of distortion that society has trapped us in, or will you break free from the conformity and look at yourself the way everyone else sees you: as your own beautifully crafted shadow.

Love yourself. You were made too uniquely not to and you live too short to disregard that.

Psalm 45:11

The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord

...for the Contemplator

A life was lost today.

And at the moment when Woodbridge High School realized that they will never be able to laugh with Mr. Bentley again, things changed. The weather shifted, and schedules were shattered. Everyone realized that that could have been anyone. A loved one of their own, an acquaintance, a friend, or mentor.

Tell me why.

Why does something so sudden and so short have to impact the lives of so many others?

Quite frankly, it's not fair. It's not fair that one accident can purposefully damage so many other things. And I use purposefully intentionally. You can't go through life thinking you are unstoppable. Things will harm you, road blocks will get in your way, and you will start to realize that the life you thought you were living, the one filled to the fullest and the one that you thought was indestructible, is nothing more than a bird's nest. Sturdy for the moment, carrying so much life in such a small space. But once the wind comes and knocks it down, all that you're left with is twigs and string.

I didn't have the opportunity to really know Mr. Bentley. I would pass him in the halls, always smiling or in a rush, but that was the extent of our relationship.

It's interesting, really.

Someone is gone and suddenly you regret not really knowing them. The luxury of comfortability is gone. They aren't there everyday and it doesn't really hit you until everyday...turns to never again.

I don't want to live like this.

I don't want to live it a world where short-term turns to long-term and forever and a day turns to a day. Sadly, I do. And sadly, that won't change. What can change though, is our outlook on the life we've been living.

No matter how we word it, or how many ways you think about it, the fact of the matter is, things happen that change your life. Dramatically.

As much as I want to be able to, I can't even begin to fix that. Neither can anyone else out there, no matter how hard we try. We can't change the event, but we can change the result.

So, what will you do?

Let the traumatic effects of one event tear our nest to pieces, or will you grab the sticks and will you grab the twine and reshape your life in a way that remembers that moment in time and uses it to improve of the life you thought you were living.