...for the Nostalgic

Considering I haven't "blogged" in a while, I wanted to avoid a Christmas themed post as my first hoorah back, but I figured this was as far away from Christmas as I could get today.

Watching the Disneyland parade this morning with my mom and Alana, I felt the urge to get up and leave every time the hosts announced the upcoming movies in fear that they would be shown in 3D.

every movie coming out is in 3D.

Now, it may just be my immense hatred towards 3D movies and the headaches they give me, or it could be my ever-increasing nostalgia during the holiday season, but I hate the fact that 3D movies and ipod nanos have taken the place of drive-in theatre dates and tuning in to listen to Little Orphan Annie on the floor with your brother.

We focus so much on the future and what's to come that we forget about the

simplicity of our past and the memories that came with it.

I know this seems to be a reoccurring theme for me; no simplicity, everything is changing, bla bla bla, but it seriously upsets me.The fact that movies have turned to 3D is just an example of how jaded it has all become. We don't see the movie for the storyline or the acting ability anymore, we see it for the special effects and how sexy the two-headed aliens can be.

When the toy soldiers from Babes in Toyland came out earlier, I am embarrassed to say I teared up a bit. I remember watching that movie with my sister and just staring in awe at how magical it all was.

I don't care about Tron and its holograms.

I don't care about Monsters Inc. and the dancing monsters.

I care about the originals.

I care about Cinderella and her hopeless romanticism, hoping one day her prince will come.

I care about Pinnochio and his long nose, teaching you lessons everytime he fibbed.

I care about the memories I had while experiencing those.

I know it differs for each generation and that this generation I am lumped into is more focused on computers instead of newspapers, but I always just want to hope.

I just want to hope that this is all a dream and that when I step outside each morning I'll magically turn into a Disney princess and that my day will consist of drive-in movie theatres, snowball fights and the smell of fresh-baked cookies. That television isn't the only form of entertainment and for one day walking would be the only way to get around town.

This Christmas, the economy left our family humbled and simple. I focused on hand-made candles, cut-and-paste picture frames, and baked-with-love cookies. So far, this has been the best Christmas yet. I like(once the stress passed)that I didn't have money to spend. So as you gather around the tree with your family or around the dinner table with your relatives, what will your conversations be centered around? The upcoming 3D movie Cowboys and Aliens, or the winter your grandparents spent walking around town with nothing but a jar of jam to give and every intention of a good day.

So what will you do?

Continue to live life inside a 3D movie, never fully knowing what is going to jump out at you, or will you take a break and visit the drive-in with your closest friends, making another memory to reminisce about in the years to come.

...for the Content

The long road filled with potholes of doubt and detours through unhappiness has finally presented a fork for me to choose my own path.

Left: to continue down a path that left me empty and always craving more, or

Right: along a path that always seemed to have brighter days.

I've been going to bed each night with a smile on my face, completely ready to face the day ahead of me when I wake up. No matter how much sleep I deprive myself of during the week, I am eager to continue down the path of community during the weekend. My goal in almost everything I do is to attain a sense of community and to join together as a unified group of people to be one, all supporting one another through each and every detour.

I have found community.

I have found happiness.

Although this week posed challenges that I wasn't ready to face and left me leaving school with tears in my eyes, I find myself looking at the bigger picture tonight.

As I left a Christmas party earlier this evening and stepped into my car, I realized that all of the potential negatives that have been engulfing me this week were just a breath of fresh air in disguise. The defeat and embarrassment I felt when I received my part in the play or even the feeling of disappointment when I recalled the fact that I wasn't allowed to apply out of state for college, all of those factors kept calling towards one thing- Junior High Ministry. With those negatives came the positives of Addy, the 6th grade girl in the ornamented christmas sweater and even the fire that I have been consumed with to get the ball rolling on an upcoming charity event. No matter how I choose to see my previous week, I can always agree on the realization that life is great.

I have found my steady group of friends and have come to feel wanted and important to the people I have been surrounding myself with lately.

One of my best friends Ryanne told me that she wanted me to write about something happy. Reluctantly, I didn't just in spite of her, but in reality, that is all I wanted to write about.

All I wanted to write about were the nights spent staying up late watching movies.

All I wanted to write about were the new friends made and the old relationships strengthened.

All I wanted to write about was the peace inside my heart that I have finally attained.

There is comfort in chaos.

and I fully attest to that now.

No matter no stressful my week has been or how many fights I got into at home, it all just seems to appear farther and farther away the further down the road to happiness I travel on.

I chose Right instead of Left.

What will you do?

Venture down a road filled with potholes and isolation, or turn the corner into a group of people who truly care.

...for the Regretful

As I was walking into the gas station to pay for my gas the other day, I was stopped by a sophomore at my school who asked me to buy cigarettes for him. This posed two questions.

1. Why would I buy you cigarettes?

2. Do I look like someone who would even buy you cigarettes?

I tried to brush it off as I drove home but couldn't help but let my mind race through past years and past experiences. I realized that if I was asked this same question two years ago, I might have given in. I might have done that because it just seemed okay to do.

I find myself more recently than ever getting caught up in my past.

I find myself more recently than ever wondering if I can ever move past the life I used to lead and the decisions I used to make.

It seems the more and more I try to forget the past, the more and more those around me try to remember in it. I don't want to go through each day trying to maneuver around a conversation just to avoid a topic that makes my heart beat fast with the fear of someone finding out about the person I used to be.

I want to be able to rip up the pages that fill the past chapters of my life, but I know that no matter how hard I try that will never happen. I continue to let myself get caught up in the regrets I have rather than focusing on the next page to be written.

There is always an opportunity to start over with a white blank page.

:a white blank page and a swelling rage, rage. you did not think when you sent me to the grave, grave. you desired my attention but denied my affections, affections:

Mumford and Sons puts it perfectly into words for my life situation. I struggled and am continuously working through the issue of pleasing others rather than myself in ways that belittle me in order to assure their happiness. Once I started to rely on a stronger support system through church and God and started to break ties with the false comforts, I realized that there was always going to be a blank page. There was always going to be a fresh start for the past I felt I wanted to erase.

As I drove past the gas station I let those fears consume me. Instead of realizing what was ahead, I let myself dwell on what had already happened, and I see this occur everyday.

The girl who sits three rows behind you who is afraid to make new friends just to avoid the risk of being judged. Your neighbor who refuses to let people in because his family never wanted to step inside his life after the decisions he made one weekend. Or the close friend who wont let herself date the boy she likes in fear of never fully being loved because of her past. We choose to walk through school each day never fully letting people see who we are because of the person we once were.

Don't let yourself be trapped inside a room with only your regrets to keep you company.

The only thing you gain is self-loathing and a fear of never being loved; of never being accepted.

The next time you hang out with friends, the next time you meet someone new, the next time you sit at the dinner table with your family, turn a page.

Start a new chapter in your life lived in the shoes of the you who you want to be.

So as I pose this question, I challenge you:

What will you do? Try to rip up the pages in a chapter that has already been read, or turn the page, and start over with a white blank page.

"I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way, He loves us, oh how He loves us." ~How He loves us

...for the Outsider

The senior class of Woodbridge High School has unofficially officially dubbed the preschool parking lot as our senior lot.

With a lot full of cars comes loud music, hacky sack sessions, and the infamous "circles".

These circles consist of a group of about 3-7 people all standing next to a car, either exchanging clothes or answers to homework, or even just catching up about how their morning was. Often times you will get those of us who make much needed starbucks runs in the short 10 minutes we have until 3rd, and in that case, the cars are quickly filled and the lot becomes deserted.

I don't go on Starbucks runs or join in on hacky sesh circles. Rarely do I exchange clothes or play my music. Often times I find myself hesitant to even walk out there, always unsure of where I can stand. It saddens me that in my senior year, I still have those days of loneliness and isolation. I still have those days of hesitation and not quite knowing where I belong. I find myself internally competing for a spot in the circle when in complete reality, there may always be an opening.

When did Community turn into Competition?

I'm not just referring to a 10 minute break period in a parking lot full of people, I'm referring to almost every aspect of life. Whether it be on a church trip or a class project, even meeting people at camp or bonding with old friends, the community of people can so quickly turn into a competition.

I am caught up in a swarm of bees and can't seem to find my way out.

The separation from "friends", the rumors and the lies, not knowing where you belong, it surrounds me throughout my entire day. Whether I am directly affected by it or someone else is, it has become so hard to witness. I miss the days when competition meant soccer games and community meant the orange slices and kool-aid juices you shared afterwards. I miss the light-hearted conversations that revolved around the cute boy you sent a valentine to rather than the guy you hooked up with last weekend.

I guess it comes with age. The lack of connection as you go closer and closer towards constantly having to be the best and standing out.

I guess it is just human nature. Understandable at that, yet so sad at the same time to see that deterioration.

I guess I just wish we could live in a kid mindset with the same 18 year old bodies we have now. Unfortunately, I can't change time.

So since I can't go back to a simpler time, I might as well improve the current one I am in right now.

I am caught up in this swarm of bees and can't seem to find my way past the hives and hierarchy.

I want to push through that swarm and knock down that branch that holds together the insecurities and hesitations that prevent me from joining in.

What will you do? Go through life competing for a spot in the circle, or will you join in with the rest of the community eating orange slices after the soccer game.

...for the Impatient

Patience is a virtue.

The two most powerful warriors are patience and time.

Slow and steady wins the race.

Patience and fortitude conquer all things.

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing...

The list literally NEVER ENDS.

I understand how important patience is, but sometimes it feels like I will never reach that end point. Like waiting in line for your favorite band to play or for your mom's fresh baked cookies to come out of the oven, the time in between the wait and the end result seems endless. I am not naturally an impatient person, but when I want something to be done, I'd rather the process be hurried rather than tedious.

The problem is, I find myself impatient in times where patience is most needed.

Impatience during a red light: normal

Impatience when I have to use the restroom: normal

Impatience at church when I don't understand the service: normal, but frowned upon

I am someone who loves to know how things work. For example, I was reading about a documentary on a nuclear waste bunker and how waste is decomposed, and I was interested because that had legitimately been on my mind plenty of times before and now that I knew how it worked, I could cross that off my list.

Now that I've let you know how odd I am, I think I can move on...

My point is, knowledge is key to me. I hate being out of the loop and being the last one to grasp the reasoning behind a topic or not being able to affect how quickly something happens, and lately, that is all I have felt.

I want to be able to give up that desire to control every aspect in my life and just sit back and wait.

Wait.

What an under-used word in my opinion. I am surrounded by people who just go go go, including myself, and I forget to walk in the rain and have a conversation or just enjoy the company of someone away from a meeting or a scheduled gym session.

Patience is truly the biggest virtue I know of, and I take that for granted. I think since I find it so large, it overwhelms me and I don't quite know how to handle it.

I want to turn my rushing into waiting.

Patience during a class period: do-able

Patience through a lack of control: do-able

Patience in waiting for an unforeseen future: do-able, and in the process of working through.

As I work through waiting out of line patiently for the outcome unknown to me, I ask you this:

What will you do? Give up control and walk in the rain, or wait impatiently in a never-ending line for an end result that may not be worth the hurried rush?

for Jenna Walmsley

...for the Forgetful

This Friday will have marked 6 months since I have left for Nairobi, Kenya. We were 8 students and 4 leaders unknown to the changes that would surround us when we arrived back in the States and the new life we were called to lead. We came home expecting to live life as our Kenyan friends did, embracing and inviting God into every aspect of our lives and celebrating Him in everything we did. Well, that turned out to be harder that expected.

Right when I arrived home, challenges were thrown at me at every angle. I had grown so much while in Africa that I had become so vulnerable to change and it took advantage of me and my newfound mindset. It saddened me how quickly I felt I lost everything I received while in Kenya and instead of embracing the changes, I let them pass by me, slowly returning to life before my missions trip.

Well, hardly 6 months later and I find myself grasping for the conversations I had while in Kenya. Craving the feelings I experienced and the unending love and support poured out daily. I came home expecting to be a different person, and I did. The problem is, I didn't act upon that change. The new person I became was lost in the shuffle of football games and poli-sci debates.

Well, hardly 6 months later and I find myself reminiscing whenever I see an inkling of Kenya.

From the shirt I wore the day we arrived, to the new kid at school who looks like Alan.

From the songs played on the long flights, to the photo memories on my sidebar on facebook.

Well, hardly 6 months later, I find myself forgetful of those 12 days spent living with God.

I felt defeated coming home, convincing myself that I would never feel that growth again.

Well, hardly 6 months later, no matter what I do, Kenya is always with me. That is all there is to it.

Why do I keep stressing over this experience I have lost when in reality, it stays with me wherever I go?

The beauty in an experience is the memories you take with it. I was trying so hard to recreate a once-in-a-lifetime trip that I let myself get lost in the shuffle. I didn't realize that the moment I stepped onto Africa's soil, I became the new me. I didn't realize that when I came home my lifestyle didn't have to change drastically with the push of a button, but that it changed through my actions. I came home with such high expectations that I let the lack of that self-made image control and repress the growth I had just recently made.

Friday marks 6 months since I arrived in Nairobi, Kenya.

Friday also marks the day that I decided I would no longer be lost in the shuffle.

For those of you who have led a life believing that experience is only that moment in time, I invite you to throw that preconceived notion away. I invite you to live through those memories in your actions and thoughts and to realize that there is always more to an experience than what you see.

What will you do? Join me in breaking free from the shuffle or remain closed off, hidden from the growth that lies ahead.

...for the Puppeteer

We have teachers in school, bosses at work, parents in our household, and mentors in our lives all directing us to do what is best.

Often times we forget that we too act as the directors in our own lives. Instead of relying on the make-shift puppeteers that have been placed in our lives, we allow ourselves to take on the challenges ourselves and through that we forget that above ourselves, above our temporary leaders, we have someone much greater than any of us can imagine. Someone who was placed in our lives to lead the way for us and direct us towards what is truly best.

I have let myself be the puppeteer in my own life to manipulate the brokenness that surrounds me.

I am a do-er and being a do-er, I forget that I am not the one in control, but rather God is. I forget that I am simply the sheep and he is the shepherd guiding the way for me.

Rather than letting myself be led, I force myself to lead and I become a puppeteer that manipulates the path that I should be taking, into a path that I feel is right. I find myself putting on a show for everyone to see, creating an illusion of perfection rather than facing the reality of brokenness. Although I know perfection is unattainable, I still refuse to accept reality at times. I refuse to accept help and I end up becoming more and more tangled in the strings that control me. I become confined in the motions and lose myself to my desires. The only words uttered are those that I allow myself to speak, and the only motions made are the up and down arm motions to wave hello and goodbye.

I want to be able to cut those strings off and let myself stand on stage, in front of an audience of people, and be the person I was intended to be. But instead, I hide behind the strings and dance, trying so hard to make everyone believe that what they are seeing is real.

I am tired of trying to control what God wants for me.

I am tired of trying to push aside reality and face my problems head on.

I am tired of going through this alone.

1 Peter 2:25
For “you were like sheep going astray,” but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.

I want to be the sheep who returns to their shepherd.

I want to give up control and work through the realization that my destiny is not solely in my hands.

I want to go through this journey with guidance.

What will you do?

Stay tangled up in the strings of your own manipulation, or join me in following my shepherd on a path that has no strings attached.

...for the Wishful Thinker

My wishes don't consist

of being a little bit taller

of being a baller

of having a girl who looked good (i would call her)

nor do they consist of having

a rabbit in a hat with a bat and a '64 Impala.

Unfortunately, they consist of things that are a little more complex than that.

My wishes consist

of applying out of state to colleges

of living debt free

of moving to a boat town off of the east coast and owning a small book store

but ultimately of being able to go through my day without writing down a single reminder to myself. without using 16 post-it notes to remind me of what i have to do that day or without writing something down in one of my two daily planners.

I wish I could live my life with the sole intention of Wishing, not Accomplishing.

I don't think I could recall when my wishes turned into to-dos. Most likely when I decided that letting myself lose those wishes was okay. I find it sad that in today's society, we have come to the social norm of accomplishments and aspirations rather than dreams and wishes. To me, those are two very different categories.

Accomplishments and Aspirations are what school and family has told you are "smart moves" on your part. That through those, you will be who you want to be. I'm sorry, but the only person you will become through those are who they want you to be. We have become so used to success and the next step rather than living in the now and reminiscing on the past that we find this acceptable. We find the make-believe desires of our outer-being are replacing the inner thoughts that we refuse to let go of.

Dreams and Wishes are your uttermost wants and desires. What you daydream about in your tree house when it is pouring outside or what you imagine when you walk down by the stream making crowns out of daisies with your fairy court behind you. Without these dreams and wishes, you lose yourself entirely in the hustle and bustle of tomorrow. We so easily forget that these are what make us who we are. Despite the efforts of society to conform us into law-abiding citizens who become lawyers and 9-5'ers, we cling onto these hopes when we have nothing else to turn to.

I don't want our dreams and wishes to be "the back-up plan". I don't want us to have to fall back on these when we have nothing else.

It saddens me that I have let myself do that. I have let myself fall back on my passion in life and have relied on my goal to get me through these last months of high school.

So where will you be in 20 years? I know where I want to be.

Will you join me in the pursuit of Wishing and the deterioration of To-Do lists and Accomplishments? I want to be able to look back on life and see that I lived my life doing what made me happy, not doing what I thought I was good at or what I thought was going to get me far in life.

What will you do? Skip along the stream in your daisy crown, or continue sticking post-it notes along the blank pages of your planner?

...for the Rescuer

Sometimes I wish I could rescue the world.

I wish I had enough power to determine what could and could not happen.

I wish I could stop rain from causing car accidents and adultery from causing broken homes.

But since I have none of the power or the abilities to stop any of this from happening, I only wish one thing.

I wish I could rescue those I love. I wish I had all the answers.

It is so hard for me to sit back and listen to every hardship going on in people's lives and not be able to form the right words. That is truly something I fear and I desperately try to reword and rephrase and preplan and prescript until I know the right answer. I get so lost in the right answer that I forget that there doesn't always need to be a right answer.

I have a hard time listening and not intervening. When I hear pain and when I hear a sense of being lost in the words of those I'm listening to, I want to be able to say

"It's alright, everything will be just fine. Just breathe."

And be able to rattle off this to-do list of how to make it better.

Unfortunately, there is more to fixing problems than breathing. I can't prevent that rain from making you slip but I just wish I could stand there with an umbrella, ready to rescue you from the cold.

I was recently told that to be a good friend and a strong support system, I have to let others figure out their problems on their own. Not finish sentences for them or reword their thoughts so it is easier to comprehend to the general group of people, but to just sit. To just sit and listen and identify internally with their feelings and emotions.

That is all I am allowed to do and I want to be able to have the ability to do just that.

I may have the abilities to lead and to teach, but I so easily let those consume my actions and decisions. I never allow myself to sit and think and not have the answer, because for some odd reason I feel that without an answer, without a response, the time spent talking to me was a waste.

I want to be able to rescue those I love and have every right answer.

But, I don't.

And I shouldn't be able to have that power.

I just want to be able to have the power to sit and listen, to be vulnerable and supportive.

What will you do?

Constantly be carrying the umbrella in hopes of preventing a storm, or will you set that aside and dance in the rain, accepting that the right answers may come without any words at all.

...for the Childish

In 2nd grade I had the biggest 8-year-old crush on the cutest kid at Smokey Row Elementary; Nick Oliver.

It just recently struck me how I used to handle this crush I had on him. Trying to repress this memory obviously, I came to remember a very vivid picture in my head of me picking up the phone directory, flipping to the Oliver Family page, and dialing his home phone number only to hang up whenever his mom answered. What compelled me to do this I couldn't even tell you, but what I can tell you is how it doesn't cease to amaze me how oddly I functioned. How back then, as a skinny 8-year-old girl, I couldn't muster up the courage to talk to the boy in my class, and how now I find myself functioning that same exact way.

Old habits die hard I guess.

Waiting until Valentine's Day to slip a specially made valentine in his doily-covered box or playing kick ball with him and the guys were my subtle ways of hoping he would come to class one day and kiss me as we were taking off our snow boots by our cubbies.

As much as I want to say how much I have changed and how confident I have become, I find myself doing the same exact thing with the same exact mindset. No matter what happened or how my confidence was boosted that day, I still walk away thinking,

If only this happened...

Well, I'm tired of living in the "if only" fantasies and want to surround myself in the "i can't believe" realities.

Why is it, that at nearly 18 years old, I still find myself walking away from a situation muttering "if only I did this..."?

If only I smiled at him then maybe we would be talking.

Somehow I convince myself that everything is awkward the next day even when nothing even remotely happened. I still get jittery when I see a boy I like and it takes so much for me to get myself to utter a hello when they walk by. Instead of saying "if only", I wish I said "i can't believe we just had a laughing contest in the library" because I decided to take a risk rather than let the opportunity pass me by.

I tend to live life in a fantasy world, relying on my imagination to compensate for my lack of spontaneity in certain situations and I am bothered by that.

I understand being socially awkward at age 8, but to be walking into my senior year of high school with not even the slightest idea of how to talk to the boy I sit in front of and have a major crush on, well, that's when I have to stop and wonder.

When in life did I decide that this was ok?

When in life did I decide that other people's opinions could determine my actions throughout the day?

I want to be able to walk away from each scenario I place myself in and say "WOW, I can't believe that just happened", eager to start the next day with that same attitude.

So what will you do?

Live your life in the "if only" mindset, or take a risk each day, living life without the fear of regretting a decision you decided not to make, just because you convinced yourself that the risk simply wasn't worth it.

...for the Stumped

Earlier today I opened a text message that read I was too defensive.

My initial response was "NO I'M NOT. That's ridiculous." But, wouldn't that just prove the original point being made?

I can't deny the fact that I take life too seriously at times, but there are instances where being defensive is probably the best thing to do. FOR EXAMPLE.

I was enjoying a nice appetizer at BJ's fine restaurant with my best friend and our two guys friends. As I took a bite out of a delicious(yet regretfully filling) chicken tender, my compassionate friend Justin proceeded to comment on my weight, jokingly of course. The waiter came and asked us if we wanted anything else. I, fuming at this point, told her we could use a muzzle for the boy sitting across from me.

That. Is a good reason to be defensive.

Yet other situations such as a foul ball in a baseball game or a yo mama joke are purely ridiculous reasons to fight back.

Here is the burning question though...

How do you defend yourself when someone calls you defensive?

I was daydreaming while washing my hair in the shower earlier tonight(like I do on most occasions) and was contemplating my response to this statement.

I obviously can't rebuttal in the most obvious of ways, or else their point is proven. Yet, if I sit back and fail to respond, then I have let them perceive me in a way that is far away from my actual personality.

So you can see where I am trapped.

In any situation, you are forced to pick option A or option B. Few times do you have option A pt.1...unfortunately life doesn't always work in the in-between areas.

This goes for college applications and get-to-know you conversations as well. You write "my parents are divorced" or "my grades suck" but they don't see the in-between answers that make up the story line. No one sees the "i am a stronger person because of this brokenness" or "i am involved in 17 extra-curriculars".

Just in the way you can't give in-between answers in all aspects of life, you can't possibly give an in-between answer in defending your defensiveness.

What will you choose to do?

Be labeled as option A or option B, or work to change society's belief that in-between answers cannot always be used.

...for the Unstable

I need stability in my life.

I've been uprooted in the life I've been living and am left holding nothing but weeds and a fear of never being able to grow again.The fact is,

I'm lost and all I want is to be rooted in something bigger than the life I'm living.

I'm bitter and confused and have lost any control I thought I may have had. It seems as though people always leave and it's a vicious cycle I've been stuck in the middle of since before I had the ability to know what that felt like.

I want to have a relationship with someone, anyone, past a few months.

People leave and start a new journey on a different path they've been called to take, and I get that.

I just don't get why change has to mean the loss of relationships.

Whether we want to believe it or not, the fact of the matter is that through any change, there is going to be a shift in a relationship. Your small group leader may be moved to a different part of the church, your friends may find things out about you that you had wanted to keep a secret, or you intentionally put yourself in a situation that belittles you in the worst way. No matter what the change is, you're affecting some sort of connection you have had with someone.

Not only are you affecting someone else, but you're affecting the relationship you have within yourself. Through this confusion and doubt I judge myself more than any other person might. I feel hypocritical, I feel weak, I feel unwanted. I feel like the late start I've had in so many areas of my life is always going to hinder me from fully being caught up with the rest of my social circle.

In hard situations, just like in my relationships, I find that my thoughts are chopped and scattered. In the midst of a lacking stability in my own life, I lack the ability to be rooted in my own thoughts and tend to give generic responses.

"I am SO glad to hear that. I'm so happy for you."

"Great, let's talk later."

I don't want to be that person.

Right now though, I am.

I'm lost and scared and have lost control of stability.

Unfortunately I have no words of optimism for this situation I'm in.

Unfortunately I can't see what lies ahead of me for this road I'm on.

Unfortunately I've been uprooted.

Unfortunately, this vicious circle never ends.

Fortunately, the circle goes around and leaves me time to replant and reroot the damage that's been done.

...for the Lost

Nashville, Tennessee.

Not the first place you would think to be your safe haven, huh?

I used to visit my aunt's house in Tennessee all the time when I was younger, and her house lied on top of this giant hill. Walking through her backyard, I would explore through the ins and outs of what this property used to be. An old chicken coop nestled between tall trees rested untouched across from a dried up well, an abandoned shack, aged with dirt and rust, was visible only a few yards away. Farther down the hill, I found myself constantly stumbling upon an old garden. A cobblestone walkway lined the forgotten earth that at one point was full of life, covered in roses, but has now been taken over by weeds. Walking along the path, I would kick up the fall leaves that were a cover to my own imagination. I would be lost for hours in the hopes of never having to be found. Of never having to go back to the life I had been so horribly misplaced in.

That house was my secret garden. That house was my escape.

::The secret garden is always open now. Open, and awake, and alive. If you look the right way, you can see that the whole world is a garden.::

Lately I've been looking for a place to call my own.

In the daze of college applications and any other stresses that have been thrown my way recently, I've been craving a quiet place. A safe-haven where I can just escape the real world and get lost in the imaginary utopia of simplicity. If anything, I think that is what I crave. Simplicity.

Why does it take an escape to get us to feel alive? Why have we disregarded the secret garden that makes up the world around us?

The simplicity of life disappeared once crayons turned into pencils. You had to make decisions based off of choices that were best for you. Somewhere along the lines we traded in our play dough and tinker tots and while we did so, we abandoned a piece of ourselves. We let the memory of a simpler time slip away from us.

I've been finding it hard to find "that place" for myself. No matter where I go it never seems to be good enough or fulfill whatever it is I'm looking for at the moment. That kills me. To think that this magical place is actual only a dream and that I may never be able to escape the trap I've created for myself that is made up of schedules and to-do lists.

I want to find my secret garden, but I don't want to have to search for it when it is realistically somewhere around me. In the mix of things, we often times forget that simplicity and solitude is right around the corner. You don't have to go to or a forest or an abandoned cottage to find a safe-haven. It can be the door shut to your room, or your headphones in while you journal. It can even be as simple as a drive alone in your car.

I've fallen victim to forgetting this. I think it's the fact that since those options are so convenient, they for some reason lose their spark. The magic you can find while being lost 20 miles away is completely different that whatever you try to conjure up when you need an escape from your daily life.

I want to say I can break this cycle, but I don't quite know if I can.

That's not to say that you can't, though.

Break the cycle and find your secret garden.

For all you know, it's two steps away.

What will you choose to do? Follow my lead of doubt and hopefulness for this place I may never attain, or be the creator of your own escape. One where you can get lost and never be found.

...for the Insecure

Yesterday I had the opportunity to spend the morning with one of my best friends picking up trash along the waters of Huntington Beach. Even though it was only 8:00 in the morning, the sun was beating down on our backs, so we decided to pull a middle school move and tie our sweatshirts around our waists. We were definitely the bells of the ball that day.I looked over to my left and saw my friend Kellie admiring her shadow in the sand. She pointed out to me how much she loved her shadow considering it is always a skinnier, taller version than our actual self. And for little 5'1 Kellie, she always strives to be a little taller.

As I was looking at my own shadow, a thought raced through my mind:

What if our own shadow is the way everyone else views us, but the image we are faced to see daily in the mirror is how we perceive ourselves?

In the world that we live in, with photo-shopped images and new-age diets, it is hard to view yourself as a beautiful individual. I just don't understand who decided that the body that we live in isn't up to par with some far-off out of this world standard. Where is the standard? Where does it start, where does it even end? Is it a size 0, is it hips, is it blue eyes and black hair, how are we supposed to know?

No, here's the real question. Why do we want to know.

As a teenager who is far away from a size zero but is surrounded by them daily, it's hard to see myself as a beautiful individual. I wake up in the morning, glance at myself in the mirror, and run out the door with confidence and grace only to arrive at school ignoring any shred of self-confidence I stepped out with only minutes earlier.

Is it sad that I truly do love my shadow, perhaps even more than I love myself? I'd say so. I'd also say that I am definitely not alone in this thought process.

I want that to change.

So, who the hell says it can't?

Because I SAY IT CAN.

What will you choose to do? Wrap yourself up in the net of distortion that society has trapped us in, or will you break free from the conformity and look at yourself the way everyone else sees you: as your own beautifully crafted shadow.

Love yourself. You were made too uniquely not to and you live too short to disregard that.

Psalm 45:11

The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord

...for the Contemplator

A life was lost today.

And at the moment when Woodbridge High School realized that they will never be able to laugh with Mr. Bentley again, things changed. The weather shifted, and schedules were shattered. Everyone realized that that could have been anyone. A loved one of their own, an acquaintance, a friend, or mentor.

Tell me why.

Why does something so sudden and so short have to impact the lives of so many others?

Quite frankly, it's not fair. It's not fair that one accident can purposefully damage so many other things. And I use purposefully intentionally. You can't go through life thinking you are unstoppable. Things will harm you, road blocks will get in your way, and you will start to realize that the life you thought you were living, the one filled to the fullest and the one that you thought was indestructible, is nothing more than a bird's nest. Sturdy for the moment, carrying so much life in such a small space. But once the wind comes and knocks it down, all that you're left with is twigs and string.

I didn't have the opportunity to really know Mr. Bentley. I would pass him in the halls, always smiling or in a rush, but that was the extent of our relationship.

It's interesting, really.

Someone is gone and suddenly you regret not really knowing them. The luxury of comfortability is gone. They aren't there everyday and it doesn't really hit you until everyday...turns to never again.

I don't want to live like this.

I don't want to live it a world where short-term turns to long-term and forever and a day turns to a day. Sadly, I do. And sadly, that won't change. What can change though, is our outlook on the life we've been living.

No matter how we word it, or how many ways you think about it, the fact of the matter is, things happen that change your life. Dramatically.

As much as I want to be able to, I can't even begin to fix that. Neither can anyone else out there, no matter how hard we try. We can't change the event, but we can change the result.

So, what will you do?

Let the traumatic effects of one event tear our nest to pieces, or will you grab the sticks and will you grab the twine and reshape your life in a way that remembers that moment in time and uses it to improve of the life you thought you were living.