...for the Optimist

[consumer's warning: contents in this entry may be subject to strong negative opinions. These only reflect the outlook and experiences of one person. Read it or not, agree or disagree, but keep in mind you have been warned.]

I feel like everything in life needs a warning label nowadays. From people's opinions to the bag holding a snuggie, no one is ever fully satisfied with what is placed in front of them.

I was walking through the hall just the other day and I saw two things in one passing period that I really wish I didn't have to see.

1. A snuggie with not one, but two people wrapped inside of it

2. An extremely awkward freshman couple where the girl is a good 6 inches taller than the guy and they haven't quite reached the "hand-holding" phase yet, so they're walking with their arms over each other's shoulders. Classic move.

Now imagine mixing those things together. Being someone who refuses to wear a snuggie, this is something I have surprisingly attempted and witnessed way more than once, and in one of the most unconventional ways possible.

Dating in high school is a backwards robe. It's none other than fulfillment in disguise--a snuggie.

My friend Lexi told me this a few weeks ago when we were catching up on boys (what else is there to talk about in Irvine?) over some coffee and I thought it perfectly described not only my decisions, but the decisions of so many of my friends.

You can call it whatever you want, but it's all the same; a hook-up, a thing, dating, going out, going steady, hanging out, friends with benefits. No matter what you label it, it's none other than two people who are on a journey to try and figure out their lives. The only thing is, they're doing it together.

As a hopeless romantic, I've fallen victim many times to indie love songs, Taylor Swift's way too relatable lyrics, and the inevitable teen series books that almost every high school girl reads.

Quite frankly, I'm over it.

I've tried it before and I know I'll try it again, but I don't like this dead end process.

Meet, exchange phone numbers, text for a bit, hang out a few times, maybe a date or two, and that's it. For some reason it is so hard for me to move past that acquaintance stage and onto something deeper and more meaningful.

::i'm perfectly lonely because i don't belong to anyone therefore no one belongs to me::

John Mayer puts it perfectly in words that I always have trouble believing.

Maybe I'm terrified of commitment or genuinely am content being alone right now, who knows. For some reason I can't let myself go any farther that the surface even if I really want to.

Maybe that's a sign.

A sign that anything I'm even attempting in high school is nothing but a sheep in wolf's clothing. A bad decision disguised in the idea that being with someone always means happiness. Because for some reason, a majority of us automatically assume that solitude connects with loneliness. For some people, including myself, that may be the case.

Now you could be the the other kind of high school dater. The kind that gets into relationships because that is what feels...right. At the moment at least. You date and keep going through the motions of this pointless relationship all for the short-term fulfillment of feeling wanted.

I'm going to go holy roller on you all for a second.

I strongly believe that the reason we all put ourselves through short-term fulfillment is because we are not getting it in greater aspects of our life. Whether that be at home, with friends, a boyfriend, or Christ, we feel the need to overcompensate for the lack of love. What I've discovered through my own struggles with acceptance is this--

The short-term love leaves you with a long-term self-loathing.

I feel stupid for letting myself succumb to something so low. A boy leaves my sight and all that I am left with is more insecurities and a stronger desire to do whatever it takes to get rid of that feeling as fast as I can. My relationship with God is a roller coaster. I have my ups and downs, and on those downs, I lack a strong relationship with Christ in my life. Therefore I do what I can to feel the way I do when I'm on those highs.

Dating in high school is a backwards robe.

But why does it have to be?

The hopeless romantic in me may be pushing through, but who says we even have to do that to ourselves? I don't want to follow the norm.

I know what I want, do you?

I can't tell you what decision to make or what type of guy to go after, but I can tell you this--

Deep down, you know what you want. It's up to you to be strong enough in your convictions and comfortable enough in yourself to follow through with those desires and think only about one person. YOURSELF. BE selfish, BE picky, and only go after exactly what you have in mind.

...for the Thinker

Act 1. Scene 1.

Character is slightly out of touch with her true opinions and is used to living vicariously through a pen and paper before uttering a single word. Teenager, curly mess of hair, and appears confident in front of a crowd. She approaches what she believes is a podium, but is really none other than a group of friends.

I wouldn't be wrong in saying this is basically what would happen if my life were truly a play. (For the record, yes, I AM "one of those theatre kids" who imagines her life is being taped like the Truman Show). But on a realistic note, this is something I struggle with daily.

I go through my day living life scripted and censored rather than uncensored and unscripted.

The worst part is, I'm not the only one who lives like this.

For those of you who are thinking to themselves, A. why am I reading this? and B. what does she even mean by this?, I will gladly fill you in.

As someone who loves talking in front of large crowds of people, I find myself easily mixing the worlds of public speaking and simple conversation. My "people-pleaser" side, if you will, always has to please the closest ear that is willing to hear whatever I have to say. In doing this, I lose myself and my true opinions; I start to pre-plan, re-word, and copy and paste sentences in conversations where first impressions are no longer needed. This doesn't just happen in conversations, but I find it spilling over and onto other aspects of my life. I censor my opinions and keep to myself just because I fear sounding incompetent or inferior in the eyes of a potential nay-sayer.

Why?

Why do we let ourselves fall short of our own expectations in order to go above and beyond everyone else's?

Why do we choose to lose ourselves in the masses and pick safety over the risk of letting someone know how we really feel?

These doubts start to swirl around in your head and all you're left with is pages and pages of pre-thought convictions that have been etched into your mind to assure that no toes have been stepped on that day and that as you walk away from that "podium", the only thing people are thinking about is how perfectly constructed your sentences were and how easily the words flow out of your mouth.

So as I deal with ripping apart the pages and repressing the lines in my own script, I want to leave you with this-

Your life is what you choose to make it and you have the choice everyday to mad-lib and improvise your way through conversations and experiences or to rehearse lines you've already written.

Take a risk. Live life unscripted.

...for the Overachiever

From a very young age we have always been told "you can be whatever you want to be; life is your canvas, no one can paint it but you."

Well, some of us hear these things and start to join more extracurriculars: sports, arts, leadership, and in the end, all you've accomplished is a little bit of each.

How to throw a football, but not how to run a play.

How to shuffle-ball-change until your toes blister, but not how to dance on point. How to run a school, but not how to have a social life.

Soon, this word of advice becomes the sole reason your neatly wrapped up life has been pulled apart and unraveled like a ball of yarn.

One of the most profound statements I have ever heard, came from a leadership camp I recently attended. The speaker, Jill Esplin, simply told us to be fully present.

Be. Fully. Present. It was right then and there that everything in life was put into perspective. Three simple words carved out exactly how I wanted to be living my life. And as simple as it all seemed, it suddenly sparked this anxious fear in me that screamed "all you are is FAILURE."

Nothing I accomplished seemed right or important. I took a step back and looked into the life I created for myself. I tried so hard in high school to be friends with everybody and to always be that one girl that everyone knew. Approaching senior year I realized that this recognition I so badly craved was nothing but a wolf in sheep's clothing. Yes, I know a good amount of people, and yes I have different groups of friends, but at the end of the day, I'm isolated, wondering where I fit in once the mingling has worn out.

I've never really had a chance call myself apart of one group. I wanted to be everywhere, with everyone, all at the same time, and all I got from that was dropping by, saying hello, and moving on to my next location.

Being all that I wanted to be ruined me. I have to be the best, I have to succeed, I have to do this, and that, and know him, or her.

What is the price of that though?

What do you end up costing yourself in return for a few golden moments with a few people you were acquainted with?

The cost of your short-lived success varies for each person. I can't tell you what my neighbor down the street gave up, or even if she had to give up anything. But I can tell you this:

The price I tagged my success for, was losing relationships.

Family members and friends so easily became faint memories that were replaced by ASB meetings and play practice.

I walked into high school wanting to be that girl who could sit on a bench and know everyone that walked up to her.

I don't want to leave high school being that girl who sat on the bench alone, watching all of her acquaintances walk on by.

Be. Fully. Present.

Three words I plan on using to completely demolish the life I thought I so badly wanted.

What will you choose do to?

Be a guest in the lives of those who matter to you, or be fully present in whatever you choose.

...for the Individualist

On the first day of kindergarten at Meadow Park Elementary, I asked Evann Rose if she wanted to be my friend.

And that was that. We were friends.

Leaning up against the stucco wall waiting to be called in for the first full day of our lives away from "Early Bird" and "Later Gator" class sessions, life was easy.

Somewhere in between the crazy hair days and sleepovers, things changed. Instead of Finger paints and Forts, friendships revolved around Crop tops and Svedka.

I just want to know when. When in life did we decide that having friends had to be so hard?

In most cases, the friends you make in elementary school are the ones you end up growing up with. If you remain in the same friend group all those years, through the crazy dramatized fights of middle school, and that first step into high school, then you've really accomplished a lot. Unfortunately, that may change. Walking through the crowded halls of high school you try your hardest to push through to the other side of the path just to avoid someone you may have called your best friend just years earlier.

As negative and cynical as this all may sound, there is reasoning behind all of this. Being friends with someone since the diaper days isn't implying that you're the exact same person that you were when you met, it's just an example of what I'm getting at. The point I'm simply trying to make, is this: Somewhere on that crazy road of life, filled with pot holes and detour signs, we decided that all of those road blocks could determine how we let others view us.

That innocent, care-free attitude we were born with and let shine in our early years so easily faded as the surroundings changed and the detours became frequent. Isn't that just so...sad? It's unfortunate that we may be that person who is walking through the halls and not fully letting ourselves be that person we once knew.

That little girl dressed in a polka dot dress sitting next to her dad playing with Tonka trucks who is now dressed in a polka dot tank top playing with Tony instead. Or, that young man who would go to the creek behind his house everyday with the girl next door who avoids that same girl in the hall because she decided to stick with her dreams rather than follow him on his journey to everyone else's.

I am a part of that identity theft.

I didn't wake up one morning and think to myself, "Hey, let's see how much I can change. Let's see how much I can lose myself." It just...happened.

For me, being a senior this year gives me somewhat of a break. I've been able to dabble in this, mess around in that, and through all of that indecisiveness, I saw that the only person I ever wanted to be, was me. I say I have it easy because I've reached the point in my own high school career where I can't and don't care what those around me think about me. I've accomplished my high school goals, I've made solid friends along the way, and I'm ready to conquer all of those nay-sayers.

Sounds easy enough right?

Well then how come behind all of those great ideas, I still fear that who I am may not be good enough? That I worry more about others' opinions rather than my own. I want to overcome my irrational "fear" of opinions and criticism that I may not like.

I only hope that the same goes for so many others out there. I didn't choose to have our world become this way, and I can't change that. But I can change myself. Or rather, discard all of those previous and unnecessary changes I may have made in order to please others rather than myself in ways that degrade the image I lay out.

Changes are GREAT, everyone needs a little wiggle room. But when you decide that these changes you're making aren't for yourself, well, that's when the detour you're on needs a stop sign.

What will you do?

Remember how you want to be, or continue to adventure down this road in the middle of the night with nothing but caution signs lighting the way for you.

...for the Hopeless Romantic

Throughout my childhood I've put together a list of things that make me sad:

1. The fact that I was THAT KID who sold candy on the school bus

2. The fact that every Friday after school in middle school our moms would give us $5 to eat at Ruby's to help add to childhood obesity

3. Pipe dreams and colleges your parents went to

4. The fact that my mom used to buy white bread and cook for 4

5. And mostly, people who sit alone. Not because they want to, but because they are involuntarily alone.

For some reason, this last one really gets to me. It's interesting really- once you think about it. It's crazy how I can let one solitary person affect my whole day. But maybe that's why I let them affect me; because they are that one solitary person.

I was picking up dinner for my mom and sister earlier this evening and I noticed an elderly man sitting right across the room. He was rather thin and a little on the pale side, wearing white tube socks up to his calf with white nikes only an old man can pull off. Dressed in a pastel yellow polo, he sat quietly alone at a table set for one. His plate was filled with a little too much rice than I think he could handle, and as he set his fork down after eating his steamed vegetables and slid up from his seat to get a drink of water, a sad smile crept across my face. How can someone so cute be so alone?

This made me think. A man like this, with such a calm demeanor and proper table manners must have been married, which kills me. I started to tear up thinking about his life before today. Before I saw him and before he ever had to order dinner for one. It is so unfair that a man like him has to go through life alone. That after possibly loving someone for X amount of years, he gets to spend the rest of his years without that person; alone involuntarily from the person he once loved.

On the other hand, there is the kind of person you may run into who is alone, not because they have loved someone and they've long passed, but because they have never had the experience to fully love someone like you should be able to; friend or companion.

I walked into Yogurtland late tonight and glanced across the room to see if I happened to know anyone there. My gaze settled on a young man in his early-30's. He had just finish his cup of frozen yogurt and joined us in line for his second helping. Looking back I noticed his out-dated khaki shorts and Payless brand tennis shoes. As he tried repeatedly to pick up his fallen glob of yogurt, his shaggy hair making it difficult, I started to choke up once again.

There is something so profoundly innocent about someone being alone. About the fact of being involuntarily alone and living life possibly not knowing any different.

Now, I could be wrong in my assumptions. These men both could be happily married and choose not to wear their wedding rings. They could have a large group of friends and be meeting their family for a reunion the next day. But what if? What if I'm wrong? What about the select few who don't get to experience a loving companion or have a large group of friends to hang out with every night? I guess through all of this I'm saying that it's not fair.

Why do people have to be alone?

It's something I am always going to want to change, but no matter what we do or what lengths we take to see a noticeable change, there is never going to be a time where everyone feels fully together.